A Day in the City of a Hundred Spires

I hear a woman’s beautiful voice coming from around a corner. I follow it up onto a bridge over the river. There, a large stage is floating in the water next to a riverside bar. The woman finishes her wonderful song and welcomes everyone to the Lavka River Stage, first in a language similar to Slovak or Polish, then English. I walk across the Charles Bridge with silhouettes of various saints and martyrs watching me from either side. A large castle overlooks the city to the north, constantly visible from almost any place on the river. The night is brisk and clear, much like a winter night would be in my hometown in the Northwest of the United States. This bridge was finished in the earlier part of the 15th century and it shows the wear of 600 years of city patrons and visitors from all over the world. I understand why they call this place the “City of a Hundred Spires” as I look for miles (or kilometers) in all directions and see the skyline pockmarked with steeples and towers. I suddenly burst out laughing, as I have been doing quite consistently all day. Today is my first day in “The Golden City” or “The Mother of Cities” as they call it around the world. In the native language of Czech it is referred to lovingly as Praha, but in English we call it Prague.

Let’s go back.

A year (and a century) or so ago I came down to Los Angeles for my orientation at USC. They gave us a lot of information that weekend, about grades, curriculum, sports, clubs, and, of course, what our schedule was going to look like for the next four years. They explained how students could not start any production classes until their fourth semester at USC because they didn’t want students to take film courses and then leave the school to go get work without the degree (in this industry it is apparently much more valuable to have experience than an actual degree). In order to milk every student for their worth in tuition they established this rule for film students. They said that it didn’t matter if you finished your general education classes earlier than three semesters, you still had to wait. I came into freshman year as a credit sophomore (this means that I had a year’s worth of college credits from high school) which meant that I could graduate early but also that if I wanted to go through the hell of a freshman year of only general education classes, I would have a completely open and empty semester to do with what I pleased. They discussed options for kids like me. Some took on a minor and finished the majority of it that extra semester. Others took fun classes in other subjects they were interested in or started their upper division courses necessary for graduation. Then they said you could also go abroad for this semester. I had never even thought of the idea of going abroad. I had friends who did it in high school (even one who went to Prague for a year) but I never thought it would be something that was important to me. I had been to Europe twice for about ten days each but never felt it necessary to go for much longer. They outlined the different locations students could consider going, but they said most film students ended up going to Prague because it had the only comparable (and first) film school to USC in Europe. The more I thought about this option the more I realized it made a lot of sense to do it. I had the credits and as long as I could struggle through and pass all my (god-awful) gen-ed classes, then I had that empty semester to enjoy. I liked the idea of a minor but couldn’t decide which one to do, and if I was also going to graduate early I probably didn’t have time to finish it. And I didn’t want to waste a semester dinking around at USC taking classes I wasn’t really interested in when I could be abroad for a semester.

The application date came around in February and of course I waited until the very last week to submit it, putting all sorts of stress on myself and the teachers I wanted recommendations from. Then, when I got into the program, I realized I actually had to follow through with it in order to go. This meant passing all my classes, submitting all the forms on time, getting a visa, an (god grant me strength) expedited passport renewal, and staying out of trouble with the law so they would let me go. After a few hiccups in all these areas (I like to make things as difficult on myself as possible, I think it builds character or something) I realized three days before I was leaving that it was actually happening. I think a part of me didn’t think I deserved to go and wanted to throw as many obstacles in my way as possible. But luckily when you’re your own worst enemy, you always win!

It had been such a rollercoaster ride since February about whether I was actually going or not that I hadn’t allowed myself to actually be excited about the trip until I was on the ground in the Czech. As the plane made its final U-turn around the Prague airport and its final descent onto the tarmac I couldn’t help myself from darting my eyes back and forth from the window overlooking the Czech countryside and my Frommer’s book discussing the best pubs and restaurants around my hotel. The plane landed and taxied up to the terminal. There, I looked out the window and saw the silhouette of the word PRAHA spelled out enormous on the top of the building.

At that moment, I erupted in a fit of hysterical laughter.

In my mind I was screaming like a 14 year old Twilighter who just got a (possibly illegal) kiss on the mouth from Robert Pattinson, but I felt this was a less appropriate response on an international flight full of people. Instead I thought back to all the hurdles I had to jump over and hoops I had to jump through (I’m imagining a new Olympic sport) over the past seven months. I thought of all the ways this could have gone, and how only this one ended up with me here. I thought of all the different ways I had tried to stand in my own way, only to be pushed aside by myself (ok, those are confusing, I’ll stop). In my moment of triumph I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of life and growing up and the power we all have as individuals to accomplish even the most seemingly impossible tasks. I laughed out of disbelief and wonder at the path I had left behind me and the unknowable wilderness that now lay ahead. At that moment I was the happiest I had been in more than a year.

I couldn’t stop smiling all the way through the airport. Looking at the new (and impossible) language all around. The fake fast food (yes they have it here too) and pubs serving the national beer, Pilsner Urquell. I smiled through customs and waiting for my bag at baggage claim. I smiled on my taxi ride to the hotel and riding the elevator up to my room. After 19 hours of traveling I was finally here. I only stopped smiling because it seemed unhealthy to continue (but I was still doing it on the inside).

I packed up some cash and my camera, walked out of the hotel, turned left, and started walking. I didn’t know where I was going exactly, but I felt this strong pull to the south, so that’s where I went. There is an enormous park there called Vysehrad (don’t ask me how to say it) which had the most beautiful panoramic view of the city. I found a labyrinth next to a small church and walked it silently, contemplating my current situation and future. After that, it began to rain. It had been a beautiful sunny day for the entirety of my stay but suddenly, out of nowhere, there was a torrential downpour. Being from the Northwest I was ok in my shorts and t-shirt for a while, but it began to get a little cold after a bit and so, ironically singing “Singin’ in the Rain” to myself, I walked back to my hotel to rest.

I had actually arrived a day early for the beginning of my program so I had all day to do whatever I wanted. I had been in contact with two girls who were also arriving early and we had decided to meet up around five to have dinner and get to know each other. I found my alarm clock in my suitcase, plugged it in, set an alarm for four o’clock and took a nap.

The hotels in Europe are very interested in saving as much electricity as possible to reduce costs. For this they require that you put your room key in a slot on the wall to activate power to the room. What I didn’t know, is that if the lights have not been flipped in any part of the room for a while, they shut off the power. You can see where this is going. I awoke to find my alarm clock completely black. Before I found my ipod to check the time I knew what it would say. It was 7:30 and I was very late.

I believe my main problem last year, and the reason why I was fairly disappointed with my experience, was that I had all these expectations for what my college experience was supposed to be and if those expectations weren’t met, I wasn’t going to be happy. What I’ve realized since is that you can have anything you want in this life, as long as you’re complete without it. That is, in order for the universe to give you what you want, you have to want it, but not need it. I NEEDED things to be a certain way at school, and as a result, they weren’t that way. If I had instead come with a perspective of gratitude for what I already had and certain DESIRES rather than NEEDS I think it would have been much more possible to get those things I wanted. That’s sort of why I didn’t get excited about Prague until I was actually here because I was afraid of creating expectations that would not be met. In that moment that I woke up and realized what time it was, I knew I had fallen into the same trap. I was really excited to meet these girls and had all these expectations for what meeting them would be and would mean for the rest of my trip. And, of course, the universe did what it does best and reminded me of the lessons I have still yet to fully internalize.

I took my time getting ready, knowing the girls were long gone by now. I went downstairs to see if they had left me a message but they hadn’t. I thanked the man at the front desk and decided to get something to eat for myself. I couldn’t help but be disappointed at what could have happened that night. I couldn’t let go of meeting those people and what an idiot I had been for not setting a different alarm. I kept holding on to what I could not control. That was, until I heard her voice coming from around the corner.

I watched the woman singing her ballad to the hundreds of tourists and Czechs around me. After her came a man and woman who danced one of the most beautiful ballet routines I have seen in my life. I stopped for a moment and realized where I was and what I was doing. I realized what I had been through and what was coming. In that moment I let go of what didn’t matter and appreciated the brevity and beauty of my time here. Nothing could stop me from enjoying myself if I didn’t let it stop me. I looked around, at the gigantic Prague castle in the distance, at the statue of saint Thomas Aquinas over my head, at the golden city laid out before me in all directions, and once again, began to laugh.

Coca Cola Shoot

Hey everyone. So sorry I haven't updated this is such a long time. The truth is that I have been really busy with school and figuring things out here.

I have a lot of things I could talk about that have happened since my last post. I'll try to cover most of whats happened over the next few entries, but this one is going to focus on a Coca Cola commercial shoot I was on back in December.

I was on a set for two days straight. Two twelve hour shoots in two days, midnight to noon on Saturday and 6am to 6 pm the next day. Crazy stuff. Every year Coke has a commercial shooting competition for aspiring film students. You have to have enrolled in an advanced film course to take part, but beyond that anyone can pitch a commercial idea to the competition board. The ten best ideas are funded and shot and then the winner's commercial is screened nationwide on AMC theatre screens before the movies play. To give you some perspective on my film schools' domination of competitive film making, this was a national competition open to all film students across the country and 7 of the 10 finalists chosen by Coke this year were from USC.

It was an amazing shoot and we got some really great footage. I can't wait to show you the final product when it finishes up. During shooting, I had an experience with one of the duties that was delegated to me. I was the designated parking meter filler. The meter maids started writing tickets at 8am so my job was to wait until about 7:45, go find the cars and fill their meters up with time. I left the theatre with a pocket full of coins and a description of the cars and where they were in the vicinity of the theatre we were shooting in. The theatre was on the intersection of three major streets in West Hollywood: Sunset Blvd, Hollywood Blvd, and Hilhurst Ave. Each of which changed into a different street after crossing through the intersection: Sunset Blvd became Sunset Drive, Hollywood Blvd became Sunset Blvd, and Hilhurst Ave became Virgil Ave. Yeah, I was confused too. I was told the first car was parked two blocks away on Sunset Blvd but the owner of the car, Ari, didn't know which way it was outside the theatre. I saw Sunset Blvd and followed it north, not realizing that it became Hollywood Blvd as I went through the crosswalk. I kept getting confused and turned around by the confusing LA street signs and ended up doubling back to the theatre to follow the same wrong road up two blocks twice. Finally I gave up and tried to get to the other car before it got a ticket. By this time it was 8:10 AM. I followed Sunset Blvd which was Hollywood Blvd down four blocks and reach the other car described to me. It had a ticket. A $25 ticket. I grabbed this and ran back to the theatre to try and get to the other car before it got a ticket. I grabbed Ari from the set and told him we needed to get to his car before it got a ticket. It was then 8:20 and I was freaking out. This was literally the first true responsibility I had been given in the whole of the 8 hours of shooting we did, and I had already cost the set $25. Keep in mind the budget for the entire shoot was $7,500 and it was a student film. Meaning there was no budget outside what Coke gave us. We raced over to Sunset Blvd which was Sunset Drive and find Ari's car. A $50 ticket was on the windshield.

Now I have to give these tickets to our producer Tyler and explain to him why I couldn't find two cars parked within three blocks of the theatre. Originally I began to blame my friend Mallory who had gotten me on the set to begin with and gave me the parking meter job. I started to make excuses about how I didn't know the streets and she should have done it herself because she knew where the cars were. I started getting angry at the California state government for being so broke and needing these parking tickets to keep their deficit afloat. I started to get angry at Ari for explaining the position of his car badly and not feeding the meter himself. Then I began to realize where I was and what industry I was going into. I realized that this set was the most professional set I had worked on since coming to LA and that bigger and higher budget films would only be that much more complex and stressful. I realized that I had fucked up the situation myself by not being more resourceful and proactive about my responsibility. I realized that whatever the circumstances, the failure was on me. I started to get a little scared about what this would mean for my further involvement in the shoot, or in the industry at all. I figured these people would be very upset and probably not want to work with me again. Mallory would lose some credibility for vouching for me and probably not recommend me for further shoots. I thought about what would happen if I was on a major set and I screwed up with this proportion of fines. It would probably be the end of my professional relationship with everyone on that set.

I went to Tyler, our producer, and rather than blaming other people or explaining the excuses I told him straight up that I had screwed up and now we had $75 in parking fines. He was understandably angry and told me that my job for the rest of the shoot was to make sure those cars didn't go over their time. I had filled the meters with and hour and half of time when I finally found them, but within 40 minutes Tyler came up to me and told me it was time to be proactive and go fill them up again. I did and felt like a failure. I felt like I would never make it in this town because I couldn't even be resourceful enough to find two cars on the streets of LA. When I got back to the theatre I sat back down in my seat and Tyler came up to me. He said he wanted to talk to me in the lobby. We walked back through the theatre and I expected him to tell me that I shouldn't come back the next day or that I should take a bus home now or something. Instead he apologized to me. He said that he felt bad for getting upset with me and that everyone makes mistakes. He asked me to forgive him for the way he treated me. I was really surprised by this sensitivity and responded by apologizing myself. I told him that I should have been out there taking care of my responsibility and that I understood his frustration with the situation. We shook hands.

It was a really roundabout day. A lot of strange emotions creeped up on me and made me unsure of myself. But the universe came to me and told me that I was on the right path. That I would make mistakes along the way, but as long as I learned from them, I would be fine. The next day we found out that one of the tickets was for expired plates, not expired parking. The driver had to pay that one.

The New Life

I had a horrible day on Monday. But it was also the best day I have had here.

I spoke to my Mom on the phone for about two hours talking about various things, mostly Ian's recent death and my relationship with Kirsten.

My sister's fiancee Ian died in Afghanistan last week. He was the first person who had ever died in my life who I actually knew personally and met more than once. He lived in my house for over a year. We spent time together. I would consider him my friend. It's strange thinking of his body laying limp, not belonging to him anymore. It's strange to think of him not existing anymore. Anywhere. It's strange to know that I cannot contact him no matter what I do. If there was something i wanted to ask him, I can never know it. If there was something I wanted to do with him, I can never do it. I didn't know what to do when I found out. Should I be crying constantly? Should I be angry? Should I be by myself? I still don't know what I am supposed to do. When I heard the news I literally collapsed. My legs gave out. I don't remember hitting the ground. I just remember my friends rushing over to me and asking what happened. I remember crying for a few minutes. And then being calm for a few hours. Then crying again as it hit me again. This happened a few more times over the course of the week. I called my sister and told her how sorry I was, how I wished I was there. We cried on the phone to each other. It was a beautiful moment. I've never felt closer to her than in that moment. It took my parents saying something about how unique it was to make me realize it, but it was there. This growing up business is dangerous and painful, but worth it.

Then there's Kirsten. I spent a majority of the phone call being angry and crying over what to do about Kirsten. We were together for five years and then a week after we broke up she was with a new guy. I was so angry at first. I blamed her for disrespecting me and our relationship. It made me feel worthless. I felt dispensable. Like I never really mattered to her. I still feel like what she did was in poor taste and fairly disrespectful to me. But it was and is her life now. I have no more say in what she does. I'm still her best friend, which I'm massively grateful for. But I'm still only just a friend. She has moved on and I need to too. And I think I finally have.

Up until Monday life has been a daily struggle. It has been spans of loneliness with bits of goodness and newness mixed in. Today I can say I have moved forward. The hardest part of this process is behind me. There is still struggle ahead, I make no mistake. But the pain I had to move through to truly place my life here has been faced. I have officially begun my new life in Los Angeles. My home is here now. The friends I have here are the friends I have in my life and the friends back home are my old friends. They are still just as important to me as the day I left and as the months before that. But they are my old friends now. From my old life. From my old home. Going to Vancouver for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Summer will be going home. But coming back to SC will be returning to the progress and process of my new life. Going back home will be wonderful and refreshing, but stagnant. I will not be growing or moving forward in Vancouver. I will not be progressing my life forward. Being home will be a break from life. It will be a revitalizing rest. Necessary for rejuvenation, because moving forward in life is hard and uncomfortable. Home will be comfortable but in the end, unfulfilling. After some time at home, I'll be ready to get back in the game and continue to move forward with my new life. Monday was the turning point. And it was hard. But now it is finally behind me.

My new home is here. My new life is now. Wish me luck.

Social Hierarchy

Last night I was thinking, as I was trying to interact with a group that I was with, about the fact that there are certain people that everyone wants to be around. There are two guys are my floor, and everyone loves them. Everyone wants to hang with them and be around them. The guys flirt with them to be friends with them in the same way the girls flirt to hook up with them. My RA is example. My friend Katrina is another. These are people who will always be more popular than I am. These are people who will always have people flocking to them to be their friend, their lover, their girlfriend or boyfriend. These are the top of the hierarchy. I've realized I've become one of the people who grovel and beg to be these person's friends. I found myself, last night, screaming to try and get the attention of these people. I literally had to yell their names to get them to look away from each other and over to me. I'm on a lower level in the social hierarchy and so, must beg to get their attention. This is at the same time that people lower on the food chain than me are begging for my attention. I've become a go-between for those people who are completely socially inept and have no strategies that work for them anymore. And its been like this since the beginning of school, I just hadn't noticed. I thought I was one of the higher-ups back home, but what I've come to realize is that I did all the same things back home that I do here. I brag to get attention. I tell fish stories to try and beef up anything I'm saying. I find little niches of information that I can plug into any conversation to pretend like I'm contributing. I will change my opinion of something to conform with a group. And I argue, which sometimes backfires. All of these are highly primitive social actions. They are the first kinds of social interaction we learn that give us positive responses. When we're eight years old we get attention using these techniques. We use them until we realize they aren't working anymore. And then some of us transcend them and develop the strategies and understanding of these top of the food chain people. These people get it. They understand social interaction on an intuitive level that I have yet to reach. I am constantly vying for their attention while they are constantly given it freely by those around them. Thats why I haven't been successful with finding a strong group of friends here. And thats why I have very few friendships with girls that could at some point develop into real relationships. I'm still stuck in my old socially inept ways.

I got through high school because Kirsten was one of these higher ups. People immediately love her and want to hang with her. Thats why she has done so well in her new environment, and why she will always do well socially for her whole life. We were constantly associated with each other so many of my friends were friends by proxy through her. Here, I come with no context. No associations. And no structure through which to weave my social web. I am weaponless against this enemy of loneliness.

Don't get me wrong. I have friends here. But I don't have one specific group that I can call my own. Or even one or two really strong friends. Which I know is probably too much to expect for being here for such a short time, but I at least want what I see most people around me having. I've realized, through my time here, that social interaction is what we all live for. That nothing is good or bad or really anything without it. Without people in your life, life is meaningless. So I'm done writing this, and I'm going to go out and give some meaning to my life. And maybe learn some things along the way. Wish me luck. Thank you for reading.

Cassidy

A film, A midterm, and a realization

Hey everyone! If you're interested, some friends and I produced this last week:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxDTm62Cmb8

It's for a freshman film festival SCA is putting on for the first time this year called the Alfie's. Its supposed to be a two minute film about the first six weeks at USC. You might recognize the story if you've been reading the blog. Enjoy!

I can't take much credit for the film because honestly I wasn't there for most of production. I have yet to determine whose fault that was. Pretty much what happened was I was involved for the original brainstorm and then the follow up meeting. And beyond that point storyboarding was handled without my knowledge and shooting was scheduled without me. I ended up having class both shoot dates and they couldn't reschedule because that was the only time talent was available. I don't think this was on purpose or malicious in any way, but I couldn't help but feel a little pushed out by the other members. Anyway, I provided most of the original framework for the story and some finalizing with music and editing. Beyond that though, I had very little creative input in the process. I do hope you enjoy it though.

I just had my mid-term in Casper's Cinema course. Surprisingly it was not nearly as hard as I expected. I finished a few minutes early and felt I had answered most questions very thoroughly. We were given two hours to answer six of seven questions offered on the test, all essay format. I just hope my TA can read my scribble.

Something I realized in the run-up to this midterm, really the only one I cared about this semester, is my inability to really buckle down and study. Most of my friends are from production and so were taking this midterm as well. They started studying last week and really hadn't stopped until today at two when the test started. This inspired me to try to study as well and I realized I really can't. Being a fast learner like I am, I never read any text during high school. I also never studied for any tests (except maybe in Spanish which I was horrible at). What I did do was go to class every day and listen. I never took notes, but I paid attention. And that was usually enough to get me an A on the test. Or at least to get me by. The problem is that now, when I actually need to study and take notes and read the text, I don't have the good habits I'm finding most people around me have. I think my intelligence has been a major strength of mine growing up. However the problem with being smart is that you never have to work hard for what you achieve. So when it does comes time to work hard the people around you, who have been shitting themselves daily to attain what you did naturally, have the work ethic and the habits that allow them to succeed. This while you can only work for ten minutes without needing a break and fall asleep every time you try to read a textbook. I'm wondering how much longer my intelligence will serve me before it starts to hurt me. I think I did pretty well on this midterm, but who knows? What about the final? What about other classes where answers are in the reading that I haven't done? We'll see if my fast learning was an enabler or a detriment to me in the coming months.

19 Years, 4 Buses and 1 Bright Blue Cupcake

I've started to hear that my friends here are starting to read the blog. So don't be surprised if there are less opinions and more statements of fact on here... ;)

So my birthday went like this...

After class I called up Katrina and we went to Chipotle. She bought me lunch (thank you Katrina!) and then I headed back to the dorm to figure out the whole bus thing.

I was taking two buses to Occidental to see Kirsten. We had planned to meet up for my birthday since before I left but (even on my birthday) she refused to come out to SC to see me. I understood. But this meant I needed four single dollars and four quarters to pay for the bus. The bus has zero change ever so unless I was going to pay 1.25 with a 20 I had to figure out a way to get change. I had to run to an ATM (of which there are a grand total of TWO on campus...wtf?) which is in the middle of campus (I'm on a far edge) and then back to one of the coffee bars on campus to get change. By this time I had missed my bus.

I went to the stop and felt surprisingly comfortable. There were almost exclusively minorities on the bus but I didn't feel unsafe at all. Actually, even being in the worst neighborhood in LA, I haven't once felt unsafe anywhere. Even at night off campus I feel like I'm in a safe place with enough people around. USC does a good job of making it clear that DPS (Department of Public Safety) is constantly patrolling and making sure students are safe. It might be because I've never really been in a position where I was in an unsafe place so I don't recognize the signs of it. I'm hoping not though.

Anyway I got on the bus and I was riding it for what seemed like WAY too long. I saw us leave Figueroa and I knew the stop I was on was Figueroa and 26th. I was thinking we would just be taking a quick detour and would be back on Figueroa pretty soon. Then we went on the freeway.

I wasn't afraid to ask the driver about my stop but it was just a little awkward. I mean, I was dressed pretty nice. White college kid with my iPod earphones in. Obviously I don't really fit in with the crowd I was currently surrounded by. I felt like it was my responsibility, if I was going to not belong as I much as I did, to at least not make any trouble or upset the established order. So instead I consoled myself and thought that maybe I hadn't passed my stop yet. I mean it was possible right? I started to get more and more worried the longer we stayed on the bus. I started to text friends to see if they were nearby a computer and could check whether I was getting closer or farther and farther from my destination.

I realized on the bus that I'm a bit of a chicken and it costs me sometimes. I always got frustrated with people back home who wouldn't speak up for themselves to get what they wanted. I never felt sorry for these people because it was their own fault that they couldn't just get the balls to talk to people and simply ask for help. Being in this new place I've started to realize that I've become a bit like that person. I get scared to inconvenience people and it doesn't serve me because I can't ask for what I want anymore. I think it rubbed off from years of being around Kirsten and her Midwest comportment. I used to be completely willing to inconvenience anyone as long as I got what I wanted. I need to find a balance between these two behaviors.

Anyway, we got off the freeway finally and there is my stop! Yay! I just needed to be patient and fight my gut instinct to get off the bus. When you don't know a situation very well, sometimes trusting your gut is a bad idea.

I made it to the Eagle Rock area and started to walk toward Occidental. I called Kirsten a few times and she wasn't answering. I kept walking and she finally picked up just as I was entering the campus. She asked me where I was and I told her I was on campus and she just about had a conniption. She kept telling me to get off campus and stay where I was and she would meet me. I didn't really understand why she didn't want me there so I decided instead to walk farther and deeper into campus to meet her. I'm like that, what can I say?

The campus is beautiful and very well designed. I was impressed. The buildings were huge and the architecture was really wonderful. I walked by a big parking lot of official vans and vehicles and they had as many as I can think of USC having. It was crazy.

I kept walking and saw this girl ahead of me wearing a backpack. I was pretty sure it was Kirsten but I wasn't a hundred percent. I yelled her name and she turned and it was her. She looked just as beautiful as I remembered but strangely different. She looked skinnier or more done up. Something.

We hugged and she wished me a happy birthday and we were both happy but uneasy about seeing each other. We were together for all of our adult lives and now, for the first time, we are seeing each other as friends. This is literally the first time in our lives we've been together as we are now. Its strange. Every time I saw her any other time I would give her kisses and tell her how beautiful she looked. I would put my arm around her or hold her hand and we would just walk, happy in each other's company. Now, to fill that void, we have to talk when we walk. We can't just walk together. We have to be doing something to distract ourselves from the fact that we aren't together. Not really.

Dinner was nice. She got me an Occidental shirt and a slinky because she broke mine the day I left for USC. We talked about how we were doing, what our new friends were like, what experiences we'd had. She knew I wasn't doing very well. She knew she was doing so much better than I was. She kept it to herself, which was merciful of her. She had a new boyfriend within a week of arriving in LA and a new strong group of friends too. She has a new best friend. I, still now almost three weeks after this, have no group to call my own. I don't really have anyone who calls me up any time they do anything or actively seeks me out to be a part of whatever they're doing. I don't have a best friend either. She doesn't know this. She thinks I'm doing really well now because that's what I'm trying to show her. I don't want to bring her down with my loneliness or make her feel guilty for enjoying herself. But any time I hear about something fun she's doing or has done or friends she has, I want to throw up. Its a jealousy I haven't felt for seven years and its back with a strength I never felt before in my life. I get so angry and depressed about what's going on and then talking to her only makes it worse.

Its strange, not having her to talk to about this. Anytime, for the past five years, that I needed someone to talk to, it was her. She always offered me what I needed and sometimes, if I couldn't take what I needed, what I wanted. She would give me sympathy or identify with my position. But the current predicament makes her off limits for this subject. So instead I have to pretend to be doing amazing and just take it when she says she's doing amazing too. Luckily she doesn't read this.

I tried to talk to her about her new boyfriend. About why she felt that was ok to be with someone else already. We were together for five years and it took her a little over a week to get over me and move on to someone else. At first I was really angry. After I realized that was getting me nowhere I tried to be supportive. Talking to her about it was hard for both of us but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. She couldn't offer me any sort of explanation for her behavior and I stopped trying after a few minutes. I still don't know why she did what she did or if it had anything to do with me at all. She told me that it was easy to fall out of love with me because of the way I had been in the relationship. She just focused on the bad things I did in order to move on and protect herself. I still haven't accepted it yet. I still haven't moved on. But maybe today's the day. And if its not, I know its in my future.

She bought me dinner and then she had to go. I realized I hadn't figured out the bus system for how to get home and asked her if I could go back to her room to look it up on her computer. She immediately had a strong aversion to the idea. She refused to let me come anywhere near her room. She had me call Katrina to get her to look up the bus schedule for me. We parted ways and as soon as she was out of sight I started crying.

I got to the bus stop and was waiting there for over 45 minutes and the bus never came. My phone was dead so I couldn't call anyone. I considered walking back to Oxy and trying to get into Kirsten's building to ask for help but I didn't think she wouldn't like that (but secretly I wanted it to come to that to force her hand). Instead I walked around until I got a free wireless network on my iPod. I put my status as "Help! I'm stuck at Occidental College! Someone comment a bus route back to SC!" Kirsten responded with the info that my bus was going to arrive in two minutes. I sprinted back to the stop and from that point, made it home no problem.

When I was finally back on campus in my room I got a text from a friend on the seventh floor of my building. She said she had something to give me and that I should come up when I had a minute. I went upstairs and she had bought me a birthday cupcake. It had a single candle and a few girls from the floor lit it and sang for me. You can have a guess as to what my wish was.

When I got back to my room I checked my facebook page and had probably 70 comments from people wishing me a happy birthday. It was a really strange birthday. Emotional, hard, scary, fun and eye-opening. I'm doing much better than I was back then but I'm still struggling to create the kind of circle of friends I had back home and creating the right environment for me to be happy all the time. I'm still fighting for my happiness, but I guess, so is everyone else.

I know there are some of you reading this that may not know me very well and now know way too much. I hope this posting wasn't too depressing or emotional for you. Thanks for reading.

Cassidy

Two Days of Mania

So sorry I haven't gotten to you guys in a while, I've been quite busy. I started writing this one two weeks ago so its in present tense. Go with me:

So this weekend was the 48 film festival and it was crazy fun but also just crazy. We started on Friday when they released the seven components from which we had to pick four to be in our film. The seven components were:

1. Music: Come Together by The Beatles
2. Character: The Fool
3. Color: Cardinal (must be in every shot)
4. Genre: Musical
5. Prop: Lightsaber
6. Motif: One character must walk backwards for the entirety of the film
7. Line of Dialogue: "Whoa, I thought it'd be bigger..."

As we set out to brainstorm the project, the component that stuck out to us was the "character walking backward." We tried to think, what character would always be walking backward...and then I remembered how Sarah Friedman, my tour guide at orientation, walked backward throughout the entire tour and even said she worked out on the treadmill to train her muscles to walk backward. This was hilarious at the time, and I thought would translate well to film. I suggested the idea of a ridiculously overzealous tour guide as a main character, and then we went from there.

The concept was: we meet tommy the tour guide when he's very depressed. He's sullen, his room shows it, his walk shows it, his actions show it. Then we cut to a flashback showing why he's depressed. It shows a normal day in the life of Tommy, and the ridiculous things he does to be "the greatest tour guide alive." And then he would be asked a question on his tour that he couldn't answer. This would spiral him into a depression which he is lifted out of in the final sequence.

We hash out a script and we start shooting the next day. Halfway through shooting, I realize that the guy who is running the camera, Spencer, is making a completely different movie than I am. I had a concept of how a major sequence was going to go and as we continue to shoot, I realize that my sequence isn't being shot. This is an interesting conflict because we're using Spencer's camera so by default he is directing. And yet, hearing his concept of the scene, I don't see how his version will work. As a director what I see in my head of a movie is exactly what it is for me. I can't bring myself to see it from any other perspective and, because what I see in my head makes so much sense to me, I can't see it going any other way and making sense. I think I'd like to be more able to amalgamate ideas because I feel so much of filmmaking is collaboration. And yet I'm unsure how to move my brain around in that way.

As we're shooting I call a friend of mine who is a Junior in production and ask if he wants to come and help us out on the film. He meets us in the library where we are shooting a short scene with two actors. One of the actors is a BFA (Bachelor's in Fine Arts) in acting, meaning he is literally only taking acting classes...so he's good. The other is just a friend of ours who was willing to help us out on his weekend. The scene is that Tommy is going around campus spouting off random facts to strangers. Andy (our actor for the character of Tommy) has a long line that is a random fact about the library and at the end the other character asks him "Who are you!?" as in "What do you want, what are you doing here, and get away from me!" Andy is doing great and nailing his line every time, but our non-actor is having some trouble with the emphasis and comedic timing of his line. Then David comes in.

Before I describe what unfolded, let me give you a little background on David. David is a junior in production which means he should have started his production classes this semester. He didn't start his production classes because before you can start your production classes you have to pass all of your General Education classes. This takes most people two years and then they start production courses in the fall of junior year. Or if they're lucky Spring of Sophomore year. One of the GE credits necessary for production is three semesters of a foreign language. David took German all four years of high school but decided to mix it up and take spanish in college to become trilingual. David is in third semester spanish for the second time because he failed it last semester. He also had to take second semester twice to pass. Keep in mind I was one of the worst spanish speakers in my high school class and got a 2 on the spanish AP test, but I'm one of the best speakers in this spanish class here. David is also Army ROTC and rides a motorcycle.

David comes in to the room and almost immediately takes over production. I'll give him credit, he asked permission to do so, but then proceeded to give an acting lesson to our non-actor. He gave him motivation and gave him a back story to come from. This is literally a character we see for all of five seconds. He had a great exercise for the actors in the scene and he showed some genius in his ability to direct them accurately, but I think the entire thing was lost on our poor non-actng friend. I thought David truly understood what we were trying to do with the scene and how the line needed to be said. Then he tried to act the part himself because he got so frustrated with our non-actor's non-existent acting abilities. He said the line wrong and it lost all of its surprise and humor.

The strange thing about it though was seeing David's genius as a director. On an actual production with real actors, I felt like he would have gotten exactly what he wanted from them without offending them. He did well from an executive perspective and ran the room from a position of power. This was strange because David acts like an idiot in Spanish class. We're in the same spanish class and everyone knows him as the kid who says "Como se dice (how do you say)..." and then whatever he wants to say but in English. He loses tons of participation points by not trying to speak in Spanish. And he knows this. But he just doesn't do it. It was such a major contrast between the Spanish Class David and the Director David. He's obviously in the right industry and he's doing what he's good at but I'm a strong believer in the g-factor of intelligence. This is basically the theory that if you're a genius in one thing, you're pretty much a genius (or at least can be a genius) in everything. Intelligence is an all around thing. This means that David is pretending in Spanish class. He really could be good at it and is unconsciously deciding not to be.

I have since worked with David on a few other things and he always attaches a disclaimer when working with anyone. He tells me not to model my directing after certain people because they aren't good at it. Or not to listen to certain people because they don't know what they're talking about. I have yet to decide whether David knows what he's talking about or if he's just pretending to know. Although in this business, that may be the same thing.

We had three editors going on the footage we shot for a good six hours (from about 11 pm saturday night and 5 am sunday morning) and got it all sequenced together. My job was to splice all of our individual sequences together into the final movie. When I did this at 8 am sunday (the film was due in twelve hours) the film was ten minutes long. The length requirement was five minutes. So...at that point...i went to sleep.

We ended up completely changing our chronology in order to squeeze the film into that time slot. The final film is available for viewing here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da75DHfyZ2s

We cut out a lot of good material and will probably make a ten minute director's cut sometime soon. I finally understand why directors do that. Its so hard to cut a film down to a manageable size and you want people to see things that they just can't see if its going to be short enough to be commercial.

We present our films to our other production friends that have also been making movies in their own groups over the weekend. Each group has one of the Keeling brothers.

These twins are the talk of the freshmen in production. They will probably end up being the next Coens. They are from Kansas and over the last summer produced a full length film and premiered it in their town's cinema. They both got into production (even though that is so massively improbable) and were randomly assigned to be each other's roommates (even though thats even more massively improbable). They even called USC when they found out and asked for a reassignment and were declined. They love movies and are absolutely brilliant.

Both of their movies were amazing. They were beautifully shot, acted, written and edited. I felt exactly what I was supposed to feel and they emoted it from me. They were compelling and felt short. They were scary and emotional and powerful. And they did this all in 48 hours. If you'd like to see their films you can check them out here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FWLi9j_z1M&feature=channel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF05PiMQ91w&feature=channel_page

My favorite of the two is Mirror Mirror.

After watching these two films, I felt almost ashamed of mine. I felt like I could have done so much better and was so frustrated that they had such a head start on me. We watched ours last, which was a bad idea from the get go because it had to follow these two masterpieces. Next time, I'm definitely going to work with one of them to learn their secrets and tricks, because they obviously know what they're doing a lot more than I do.

Monday was my birthday, but I'll tell you all the story of that day in my next entry.

Group Dynamics and Popping the Acting Cherry

Hey Kim! Glad you're reading this! Send me a text to let me know you ARE reading this ;)

So last week I crewed on a 480 project. Thats the final project that production majors do their senior year. The first semester you take the class, you have to crew someone else's 480. Then, if you're selected by the staff of the cinema school you get to direct your own project the next semester. My project is called "No Time for Holiday." Its about a girl named Riley who is adopted by this family and then ends up corrupting their daughter, Jaden. This weekend we shot a scene with two different actresses for the main character. The scene was closer to the end of the film when Riley is taking Jaden home from a party where she has become massively drunk.

It was me and some friends of mine in production who were PA's for the shoot. I ran backlighting for the car and I also shook the car to make it look like it was moving. It was so fun. Everyone had their jobs and were contributing in their own way to the shoot. Everyone was trying to make everyone else's job easier and putting in their two cents. I love that kind of group dynamic. Everyone is interested in getting one very complicated thing done. Its one of my favorite parts of production. Its why I'm sure I'm never going to ONLY write. Because then you're never on set, which is where I feel I need to be. Then again, editors aren't usually on set either. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, its an interesting relationship we have with these people because we are so excited to help them and feel like its an opportunity that we're being given. And the real crew appreciates the volunteer work we are giving to them. Its a total win win but in such a way that its confusing as to who has the power in the relationship. They're trying to make us feel welcome because they really do need our help and we're trying to make them feel like we really want to be there because we really do.

So after the shoot is over all the production majors I know come together for a meeting for the 48 hour film festival taking place this weekend. They announce the rules and what is going to be required and then let us go to make groups. Here is where things get interesting.

The groups are capped at five people per group and we have about 17 people committed to participating. At first we try to make everything civilized and do things randomly (which no one wants to do) and then we try to create groups that have assigned directors and writers (which also doesn't work because no one knows what they want to do yet or what they're good at). The problem is that in this group there is a sub-group that all went to Disneyland together and are really close with each other. They all want to be in a group together but everyone wants to be in their groups as well. No one knows each other well enough to say what they're really thinking and no one is willing to take the first step and say they do or don't want to be in anyone else's group. We tried doing it in the most juvenile way possible which is to have everyone slowly coalesce into whatever groups they want. This worked except that some people were so against this that they refused to even stand up and join a group. This ruined the process completely and we were back to square one.

What transpired was some of the strangest and most interesting group dynamics I've ever seen. Everyone had preferences but no one was willing to be honest and vulnerable and say who they wanted to be with or not be with. No one was sure whether the person they wanted to be with wanted to be with them. In the end (after literally two and half hours of discussing) we just sort of moved people around until two groups had what they wanted and everyone who wasn't there to say what they wanted were placed in a separate group. I'm happy with my group but I'm not sure how happy anyone else is because no one will say anything.

After that grueling process was over a friend and I went back to PA more on the set. When we got there they were shooting the same scene in the car from before but using the new actress for Riley's character. They weren't going to use anything they shot that day in the final movie but they needed to test the two actresses for Riley in the same scene.

As civilians, we never see the process of casting. We always see a movie when the actors have been chosen and the character has been rewritten for them. As a result we can never think of the movie as what it would have been with a different cast. For example the first choice for Indiana Jones' character was Tom Sellack. Try to imagine THAT Indiana Jones movie. You can't because it would have been a completely different movie. Keanu Reeves' character in the Matrix was originally cast as Will Smith. The Will Smith Neo would have been a completely different character, completely different movie.

That is the strange feeling I got when I saw the new Riley. It just didn't seem right that she was playing the character because she looked so different. I had connected the first girl with the character and couldn't get that norm out of my head. At the end of the day they asked us our opinions on the two actresses because they were still undecided. The first girl was a better actress and easier to work with but the second girl looked the part much more. This is an interesting decision. You would think you should choose the better actress every time but they only have 15 minutes to communicate what they want about this character. It becomes more work for the editor and director to establish the character if she doesn't look the part. They may not have enough material to create the character that would be there from the beginning with an actress who looks the part. I'll let you know what they decide.

When Matt and I got there they had just realized that they didn't have a stand-in for the character of Frank, the drunk guy in the back of the car hitting on Jaden. All of the crew had their own jobs and so the choices came down to me or Matt. Matt is an interesting guy. He has horrible hearing, he can't really see in the dark because of an eye disease, and he's not the kind of guy who would be able to act (especially if his character is drunk and hitting on some girl). This is not to say that I AM the kind of guy who'd be able to do those things, but I would be willing to if absolutely necessary. Matt would not. He looked at me and I knew who was going to be playing the part.

The character had no written lines in this scene, it was all improvisation. My motivation was that I was piss drunk, and that I was REALLY into Jaden.

This was not a hard character to play.

The actress who played Jaden was 15 so that was a little awkward. But besides that it was really fun. The best part was Jaden's character was very drunk at this point too, and totally into me. This was a new feeling for me. Everything I said was funny to her and she responded exactly how I would want a girl to respond to me in real life. It was strange because I had just met this girl. She was way too young for me. And yet here I am with my arm around her trying to kiss her. I have no idea how the professional actors do sex scenes. Or make-out scenes. Or any-sort-of-intimate-interaction scenes. Acting like we were really attracted to each other was awkward enough.

Its weird because it didn't actually happen, but it did. Its not real, and everyone knows that...but it still actually happens. I still had my arm around some girl I had met ten minutes earlier. I totally understand why actors who work on movies together get so close. They have to skip passed all that introduction and getting-to0-know-you stuff and go straight to kissing and having sex. Its all very strange and interesting.

I have no idea how I did, I couldn't watch myself on the TV because it was way too awkward and embarrassing. But I was told that they would hire me as the character if they could (no crew members can act in the film). So thats something right? We'll see how much acting I do here, maybe I'll take a class or something. Just to get to know the craft. Seems like a good idea to me. I love being a part of all this stuff. This weekend will be my own piece for the 48-hour film fest. I'll probably post the final on here when I get a chance. Then its back to their set for next weekend. I'm glad I'm getting so much on-set experience here. Its so important and fun. Lovin' it. Talk to you soon.

Love/Hate

One thing you have to understand about USC is its a love hate relationship. I think most people end up having that with their college, at least freshman year. I can't imagine having it entirely one way for the other.

There will be days when I think about where I could be: back home with my friends and family. At Occidental with Kirsten. Anywhere with Kirsten. At UW with everyone I've ever known. And I blame this place for keeping me from that. I get angry and jealous and scared. And I forget what an honor and pleasure it is to be here. I start thinking about the things that aren't perfect. Like my roommate. Or my floormates. Or my friends. Or the food. Or my classes. I get upset that things aren't the way they're supposed to be, what I'd like them to be. I start thinking how much I hate it here and why aren't I back home safe and happy again?

And then there will be days like today when my floor decided to go have a friendly soccer match. Most of the people on the floor have been playing for a while. Or if they haven't they at least go the gym. Or if they don't go to the gym they're at least athletic. Or they at least look athletic. Anyway they don't look like me is what I'm trying to say. We go over to the big stadium field to play a game and at one point I just looked around at all the architecture and gorgeous trees and buildings and I said out loud "I love this school." I couldn't help it. It just made me happy to think I was in one of the most prestigious schools in the world, in one of the most relevant cities in the world, studying what I love the most in the world.

Its so exciting telling people I'm a film production major. I assume its nothing like telling someone you're a biology or a mathematics or a business major. That is unless the person you're telling is someone who absolutely LOVES biology or math or business. Everyone loves movies. And I'm here to study how to make them. That's why I'm here. Its not to do work. Its not to write papers that don't matter. Its to study what I love to do the most. Its to have fun doing what I love to do most. At the very very best school for it.

Thats the other thing, is knowing that you are in the very best school for what you're studying. With most people, there is always somewhere better they could be. If you're business its UPenn. If its pottery its UW. But if its Film, its USC. And it doesn't really matter what the lists say about NYU because thats a completely different kind of film making they're doing over there in New York. And its not what I want to be a part of. I'm in Harvard Law. No, better than Harvard Law. They say that the USC Film School is the hardest program to get into at any institution anywhere.

I remember growing up and always wanting to be special. I would always qualify myself in any area where someone was better than me. When Seungjun and Seungsoo and Tim were in higher math than me, I would say to myself, "Well I'm taller. And I have more friends." And when Hayden was the star of the football team I would say, "Well I'm smarter." Just because I had to make myself feel better about why I wasn't the best. About why I wasn't special. But now, I'm in the exact perfect position. I'm studying what I love, at the best place to do it. I don't know how many people can say that in this country, or in the world. The other 49 kids in my program for sure. But how many after that? I'm the luckiest 18 year old I can imagine. Where will I go from here?

Something Every Day That Scares You

So today I was at lunch with some friends (all production majors...go figure) when one of them points out Dr. Casper in line for food by the salad bar. I have a little mini freak out and then ask them if "should we invite him over to have lunch with us?" The other people in the group were like "You can ask him." So I did.

It was so scary. He's not a scary-looking man and he's not big or mean-looking, he's just massively intimidating. He has a presence that makes you feel small and insignificant, and he does it on purpose, but for some reason it doesn't feel malicious. Its like, "You are going to be treated this bad and much worse in this industry, so you better grow some balls and know your shit cause if you don't, they'll break you in half." He's horrible to you on purpose but for some reason it feels like its for your benefit. It might have something to do with the fact that he's so polite and asks you your name before telling you you know nothing and that your whole generation is only interested in movies with "sex and explosions." Oh and also "Cell phones are the devil." But I digress.

I went up to him and said "Dr. Casper, would you like to come sit with us?" At this point my heart is past my throat and is somewhere in orbit around Jupiter when he says "Oh, I'm sitting with someone else. I'm sorry. What's your name?" "My name is Cassidy. Like Butch? Or hop-a-long?" "OH YES!" he says. "From 190, you sit on this side. Cassidy." "Yes." "I'll see you at two."

So now I've accomplished my scary thing for the day and think my adventure is over. I get to class and sit in my normal spot. And Casper comes up to the front of the class and says "Cassidy! We have many things to talk about today, Cassidy!" He proceeds to mention my name about every 30 seconds for the next five minutes of class. And then to call on me repeatedly. So now I'm officially screwed because he will never forget my name or where I sit for the rest of the semester. I will be forever doomed to be called on and asked questions I don't know the answer to. I can never fall asleep in his class or bring other work to his lectures. I have made my life much more difficult and I'm so happy I did.

At one point he comes up to a friend named Tim and says "What is the exit of Gene Kelly at the end of 'Singin' in the Rain?'" And Tim, like a good friend, says, "I don't know you better go to Cassidy." And of course, I don't know the answer. I guess. I'm wrong. And Casper runs up to me and grabs the pen out of my hand. He says "NO! Cassidy. What are you doing?" and then proceeds to write NO in big capital letters on my arm. This man is one of the strangest teachers I've ever had.



At the end of class Casper begins to relay to us about his intimate relationship with Joan Crawford, how he knew her and was invited for tea at her apartment in Manhattan and how she got him and his family box seats to any broadway show they wanted to see. He ends with "And I will take Joan with me to my grave. And I'll take Cassidy and Tim to my grave as well but obviously for different reasons." And that made it all worth it. Even though I think it was meant as an insult...

LA Culture

There is a strange habit down here of hating. I'm very used to the Northwest way of thinking which has a lot of emphasis on being polite and giving to each other. It seems here in LA, and possibly most of Southern California, that is not the practice. Everyone from this area code hates people from this area code. Every neighborhood has a rival neighborhood that they "hate on." Everyone has things they hate that other people do. Like I use the word "hella" sometimes as a replacement for "very." Thats hella cool. Or hella fun. Or hella hard. Its actually very common in the northern coastal areas. But no one in SoCal says "hella." And they hate anyone who does. Its really strange. Everyone in SoCal hates NorCal. And so anything associated with NorCal is something to hate in SoCal.

Another subtle difference here is abbreviations. I think it might have to do with efficiency or maybe just laziness, but everything is abbreviated from its original name here. Even if the abbreviation isn't shorter to say. Parkside becomes P-side. Trojan Grounds becomes TroGro. Norther California is NorCal and Southern California is SoCal. University Village is UV. Alcohol is "Alc." Its all very LA.

GAME DAY!

So, today was game day. That means something here. Something immense. We were playing San Jose State University. They're an OK team from NorCal. We are supposed to slaughter them. And so far...we have. Right now the score is 42 to 3. This school is a power house. There is very little its not good at. Language and Mathematics are the only programs here that aren't world renowned. And our athletics is top ten in everything but boys soccer. This school is, on paper, perfect.

I walked home today at five in the morning because I was at a 12 hour shoot with Zack, a Junior in Film Production that I know from high school. This was my first set and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. Zack is a bit unorganized but he does have a vision. And our cinematic style is very similar. I would go to suggest things to do and he would already be doing them. I can't wait to start shooting my own pieces. Until then... Assistant Director is not a bad credit. We stayed in the same building shooting coverage from all angles for literally 12 hours. I was exhausted and walked home...only to see people setting up tents for today's game.

What you have to understand about LA is that just about everyone is a Trojan or a Bruin. And College Football is a religion here just like high school ball is in Texas. Again...I walked home at five in the morning and there were people sleeping outside in tents to get good spots for their keggers and tailgate parties. I was so exhausted that I didn't get up early to go be involved in the festivities. I woke up at 11 and went out just to see what was going on. There were literally over 100,000 people on campus...all in dark red cardinal shirts, skirts, hats, socks, and shoes. Every tent was Trojan themed and had tons of people crowding around... music... beer... dancing... screaming....and keep in mind this is all before noon. If a shirt didn't say Trojan on it, it said UCLGAY or FUCLA or UCLA sucks. This school is as much for itself as it is against UCLA. Its nuts. There's a fountain on campus that is shaped like a middle finger and everyone says its pointed toward UCLA (its not. Its a good myth but its just a fountain, and its about 90 degrees off). I'm sad I won't be here for the UCLA game. They scheduled it for the Saturday after Thanksgiving, which makes no sense in my opinion. But that would be an experience.

Anyway...I'm doing ok here. I still haven't found a group to identify with or a really good friend. But I'm much more hopeful that I was before. Thank you if you have been calling me or e-mailing me. It really does help to hear from you. I miss my family and my friends. But I'll be ok. Kirsten has been telling me how good she's doing and how much fun she's having. She told me that her group of friends already calls itself a family. This is hard for me to even write. I'm not usually a jealous person and I think it wouldn't hurt nearly as much if I was doing better here but I end up feeling these huge attacks of envy and anger. I get scared for myself and angry that she is doing so well without me. Its a horrible feeling because I know I shouldn't feel it. I should be happy for her. I should wish her well and hope she's happy with her friends. But I'm not. I find myself wishing she would call me crying and tell me that she's lonely. Because that's sometimes what I want to do. I wish she would tell me she's having a hard time finding friends or that she misses me so much. All these things show my selfishness and not my love for her. I try to deny them but the feelings are there. I sometimes wonder how good a person I am and whether I really selflessly love the people I think I do. I'll do better soon. I'm just struggling right now. She told me she's found someone. A guy. Someone she gets along really well with and has stayed up really late talking to almost every night. When she told me this...I couldn't sleep for two days. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I went to class and had to stop myself from thinking about it. I'm doing better now...but I still miss her. I still wish that she was having some difficulty. Just so I knew I wasn't the only one. She just got a job with a German company that is going to fly her out to San Fransisco to do a $2500 shoot. Sometimes I think her life is perfect and get so angry that mine is not. Its all selfish thoughts and they only seek to cause me more pain. But I don't know how to stop them from entering my head.

I find myself walking alone most of the time. With my own objectives. Classes here are much less social than classes in high school. I would always know everyone's names around me and sit by certain people every day. I would talk to them all the time and hang out with them outside of class. Here, everyone is so concentrated on the lecture and taking notes that there is no time for social interaction. The environment isn't conducive to that kind of behavior. Sometimes I end up feeling most alone in a lecture hall filled with hundreds of students.

The frat scene here is about what I expected. Except its much more exclusive than I expected. Literally I will walk up to the gate of some frat party and they won't even see all the girls walking about me but they will pick me out and physically stop me. They're rude about it too, most times. They think you're somehow hostile towards them and that you're not going to go away quietly. They try to intimidate you out of wanting to be there. Which is honestly counterproductive to their goal. There are some places that I've been turned away from, that I just will never go back to again. They have ruined their own reputations to me by being that way. The whole frat boy mentality is very elitist and conceited. I'm honestly a little happy I didn't pledge because I don't want to associate myself with rude people. I've never understood why anyone thinks its right to be rude to someone they don't know. Frat boys are really good at it. Its interesting though. The Sorority scene is massively different than the frat scene. The process is much more rigorous and selective and some girls end up depressed and transferring out of SC because they didn't get into the Sorority they wanted. Its crazy. Also you can walk up and down the row (the street the frats and sororities are on) and pick out, just by glancing over, which houses are the girls and which houses are the guys. Sororities are gorgeous multi-million dollar estates and the guys houses are run down and have trash all over the property. I'll keep you updated with my opinions of the Greek life here. I'm sure it will change massively over the course of the year.

Brett and I are getting along really well. We are talking more. He's thinking about transferring because he feels so alone too. He hasn't really found a group to be with yet either...but he's much more OK with that than I am. Whenever I come home he is always here. Watching seinfeld or chatting with friends from home. I think he's having the same problems I am. But I think I'm much more extroverted than him and require that kind of interaction in my life more than he does. Nevertheless he's thinking about going somewhere else. He thinks all the people here are the same and he doesn't like them. I understand where he's coming from but I won't even let myself consider transferring. Honestly...except for my almost non-existent social circle, this place is perfect for me. I can't imagine being anywhere else. I just have to make it over this one hurdle and then I'll be ok. And it'll get better. I know it will. I have to know it will. I'm going to stop summarizing my days on here and start just talking about what I'm thinking about. I think thats much more interesting than hearing about what I did. Thank you for reading. Is there anything I haven't talked about that you readers want to hear about? Send me an email or leave a comment.

Lonely

I get big bursts of lonely here. It'll be when I'm in my class and I'm not sitting next to anyone I know. Or when I'm in my room alone and I hear people outside leaving to go to lunch or to a party or to anywhere. Or when I'm hanging out with a group and they all go somewhere else without me. Its so nice having Katrina here because I have someone who I love and who loves me already. But whenever I hang out with her I feel like I'm selling out my social life. I need new friends. I can't only hang out with people I already know. But whenever I'm with new people I've met, I feel like an outcast. A tagalong. I feel like I haven't found my group yet. I had a group at home. People I felt I could trust. People I identified with. I have some people I'd like to be that way with here, but they seem uninterested in me.

Then there are spouts of massive anxiety. About class. About working and having class. About fraternities and not being a part of them. About parties and not being able to go to them because I'm not in a fraternity. About not making friends. About not being fit enough to meet girls. About working on people's movies and wanting to get started. About feeling behind from everyone else. I get these attacks of fear that I'm not being productive enough. That I'm not on the right track. Or that everyone is really far ahead of me. Or about money, and not having enough. Or any. About the rest of my life and what a massive undertaking it is to be doing something with as much uncertainty as I am.

The risk I'm taking is gargantuan, unfathomable really. Its possible that I could never get a job doing what I really want to do. And the liberty of the rest of my life is at stake. I find myself doubting my abilities and intelligence and work ethic. I find myself jarred by the position I'm finding myself in, and the hole I'm going to eventually have to dig out of. Its easier to look down and just keep digging than to look up and see how deep I am into the ground. I actually flinch sometimes, thinking about it. I have a physical aversion to the thoughts. My neck spasms or my eye flicks itself halfway closed in defiance. Sometimes I don't check my e-mail because I'm afraid there will be responsibility and guilt lurking in my inbox.

I think about my friends. And how most of them are still in Vancouver, enjoying their old lives. How most of them will end up less than 10 miles from each other and less than three hours from home, should there be a breakdown. I could be on a deserted island for where I am. I miss some of them deeply. I get pangs of sadness that they will all be somewhere else together. Without me. Things are not exactly what I expected them to be. And its not that they're necessarily worse. But it doesn't stop me from being disappointed. I get afraid that I'm wasting my time and money and that I should just admit my limits and let go.

But then I think for a second and realize that isn't a real option. And I try to keep calm. And I try to smile. And I try to visualize. I'm scared. But I'm not leaving.

Day Eight - 08/27/09

I got to bed really late last night so this morning, when I had to wake up at 8 o'clock, I was quite unhappy. I went off to IML 140 which stands for Institute for Media Literacy. It was a really interesting class, only 9-10 people if that and we pretty much are determining our own syllabus. The teacher didn't make a syllabus because she wanted us to determine it for ourselves depending on what we wanted to study. This is both cool and a little shady. I don't know how cool this class will be, but we established that we want to do some production so at least I'll be able to shoot something this semester.

Off to philosophy where my professor babbled on about the Mesopotamians for an hour. Both of my philosophy courses are starting with science rather than philosophy because I guess ancient science was philosophy. I'm really hoping that we'll get into more discussion about topics later rather than history.

Had lunch with Katrina. It is so nice having her here. I was opposed to the thought of having someone from my high school come with me to college at first. But now I'm so glad she came. Any time either of us are feeling lonely (which happens about three times a day for each of us) we text each other and ask if we want to have lunch or hang out. She's such a great girl and her and I are very similar but still get along really well. Its nice having someone who knows me really well because no one else here does.

After lunch I headed over to Casper's class! Casper has a reputation on campus as one of the most eccentric and interesting professors to learn from. Once he learns your name, he never forgets it, or the first thing you said in his class. I was told to not even raise my hand unless I have complete certainty in the answer I was about to give.

He was given a full two minute introduction and then everyone applauded as he came down the steps to the front of the auditorium. He is probably 70 years old (at least the parts of him that aren't COMPLETELY plastic) but looks like he could be 45. He talks with a lion's roar of a voice and then switches, quite abruptly, to a light whisper. Its a performance. He has cues for video clips to be shown and all his TA's are pretty much his bitches. He has a powerful presence. He asked a question "Has anyone here heard of the play 'Our Town?'" A boy raised his had in the back of the class and Casper ran over to him. He had him stand up and asked him what the play was about. "um...well...there's a girl..." "EMILY...yes go on..." Casper interrupts. "And it's like..." "A woman is either pregnant or she's not! Nothing is like anything it IS something. What IS Our Town about?" "Well..." "OUT LOUD" "Its about this girl who dies and it shows..." "I'm not asking what it shows. I'm asking what its about. Lets go back to basics. What happens in the play!?" This goes on for a full four minutes. The poor kid, who either had no idea what he was talking about or was just so intimidated by the situation that his mind turned to mush, was eventually told that he and Casper were "obviously not talking about the same play." He was asked to sit down and everyone in the room became quite solemn and quiet. I've never been fully immobilized by a teacher's lectures and I've never been fully intimidated by anyone like I was today. It is going to be an interesting semester.

I was so tired after class (after a two hour lecture we had to watch "Singin' in the Rain" which was actually quite good surprisingly) that I went home (I love/hate that I'm starting to call my stale little half of a dorm room home) and slept for a good five hours. There were some frat events tonight for rush week that were tonight that I was really planning on going to but I guess my body thought sleep was more important. I woke up as Brett was going to sleep. I hope at some point he opens up and hangs with me, or at least hangs with someone. He goes to bed at midnight every night while everything is still going on. I hope that changes.

Day Seven - 08/25/09

Well, its been exactly a week since my mother left me alone to fend for myself. I can't believe I'm already a week into my education here. Pretty soon I'll be graduating, and real life will commence. But until then, I'm planning to squeeze every last pasty bit of experience out of this place.

The morning started with an eleven o'clock attendance of my least favorite course...Intro to Buddhist Literature. I'm trying to switch out of this course but if you don't attend the first day of class they sometimes give away your spot, which would be even worse than having to actually take the course. I looked up my professor, Dr. Meeks, on RateMyProfessor.com and every review said that it was a boring class and that she was an ok teacher but that she was super hot and that made the class worth sitting through. Through the experience of sitting through one course, I agree with all of those statements.

Next I went down a floor to the class I'm trying to switch into, Mind & Self:Modern Conceptions. Much more interesting course in my opinion. We got started right off the bat talking about Descartes (which apparently NOT pronounced dez-cart-ez) and his perceptions of mind and body being absolutely separate entities. His proof and evidence for this argument was that he could understand his own mind to be separate from his body and therefore it could exist separate from his body. I raised my hand and, because I'm an idiot, said with absolute certainty that the mind dies with the body. Of course this can't be proven so the entire class of non-ignorant baffoons laughed at me. I'm over it though.

The dilemma with switching classes is that my schedule only has one relatively good spot for the coordinating discussion course that goes with the class. This discussion course is full and I need to try and squeeze and wiggle my way in there using my charm and wicked good looks. I talked to Brian, the one teaching the course, and he said he would get back to me. Not looking good.

Off then to Spanish. This was expected to be my least favorite class, being that it was my worst class in high school all four years. However, my professor is the coolest teacher I've met. She is exactly like my old "Professora" except even more fun. She's short and cute and does karate.

I came back to my dorm room and watched TV for an hour or two. I'm so happy Brett bought it. Its so nice having it here. Anyway, Casper tomorrow. That'll be interesting. Talk to you then.

Day Six - 08/24/09

First day of classes! I was going to try and transfer into a philosophy course today, so they said just go to the first day of classes and you should be good to go. The class started at 11. I woke up this morning and looked over at the microwave to see that the time was 10:58. Nice. I just started laughing out loud. After doing some "hand apart, hands together" exercises I got up, took a shower, and headed over to the classroom. I got there and the room was completely empty. Turns out class was canceled. Oh what a wonderful universe.

Went to my philosophy course, my first actual college class. It was so exciting and fun. I love philosophy and thought I had interesting things to say. Turns out I'm an ignorant douche. I'm so excited to expand my mind and thinking with the readings in this course and the discussions three times a week. Afterwards I went off to my discussion section for intro to cinema, which consisted of a TA reading the syllabus for the entire class period. Now it was 1:00 and I was done for the day. Class is a much more fun thing when only taken for two hours in the middle of the day. After class I went to the book store to check out some swag. Turns out, when you're poor, you don't need swag. Around six some friends from my floor met up with my gay RA (hey that rhymes) to talk to him about frat houses. He gave us the low down about frat life, what its like, and what frats have what reputation. He wasn't supposed to do this, but he's a tight dude and wanted us to know the facts. In general he has been breaking the rules because our best interests are at his heart. Its really great.

Finally we walked to the Row to see the houses. Had some BBQ burgers (with cajun and italian seasoning, something my dad should try on his next meat filled outing) and one frat even had a car bashing (apparently its common practice to find an old beat up car, park it on your lawn, and smash it to bits with an axe and/or sledge hammer. Obviously this was an activity for me).

Went to see Inglourious Basterds with about 25 other SCA (School of Cinematic Arts) kids. It was fun finally being with a crowd that I could identify with, and who understood and appreciated film the way I do. We stayed till the end of the credits. I think, as a film school student, this will become common practice for me for the rest of my life. We were told that there are a few things that cinema students always do and one is they stay and appreciate the hard work that was done by those names on the screen. Because one day, those names will be ours, and we would hope people would stay and appreciate our hard work.

Went back to campus with the rest of the SCA students and we all ordered four pizzas and two packages of bread sticks for on-campus delivery. We all sat around and ate on top of a giant piñata used for the days festivities. I love these people. I'm so excited to work with them and learn from them. More classes tomorrow. So far, this Monday beats every other high school Monday's ass. Officially a college student. Wish me luck.

Day Five - 08/23/09

Ordered my books today. I didn't even get all of them and it was still $260. Its crazy how expensive college is. I mean, even if we weren't paying tuition, it always seems like they are tricking you into buying more and more things. Certain things are extra and other things can only be bought with cash, others only with discretionary funds. Afterwards I went to the fraternity BBQ to meet the frats and try to find one that I felt was right for me. I'm not one of those hardcore sports guys and I generally don't like guys who are so it was hard to find one that I thought fit me really well. I still don't really feel connected to any specific frat yet, but I'm hoping to connect with one more specifically as the week goes on. I will probably just end up pledging in spring tho, if at all. Its quite expensive (something I didn't know at all until yesterday) and if you pledge one frat you can't join any other one for as long as you're at SC. Thats a pretty big commitment to make without knowing the reputations of the different houses.

After the BBQ there was a comedy show with Anjelah Johnson (Bon Qui Qui from MadTV, you know..."SAH-KUR-IDEE!") and she was pretty good. Its crazy how huge these events are. Having 16000 undergrads has its advantages. The events come to you. Really fun. Went to dinner at Chipotle off campus and then to an ice cream social for my building. We went to the top floor to get bowls, the seventh for ice cream, the sixth for chocolate topping, and so on. We all met in the lobby for spoons and socializing but in the SoCal heat by the time we got there we needed straws for our cream soup.

Afterward I went to my friend Katrina's dorm to hang out for a bit. We hung out with her roommate who is a typical California girl but also really nice. She is interested in this guy who has been coming by her room quite often and she wanted to ask him where his room was. I am not kidding about this, we literally discussed with her for ten minutes about how she should ask this question. Should she say "Hey, what room are you in?" should she say "Hey what room are you in?" or "Hey! What room are you in?" or "What room are you in?" or "What room are you innnn?" (I guess its common to add consonants to the ends of words to make them seem more cute and less desperate). We mulled over which version of this phrase would set the right tone without seeming too interested. It was actually really fun and it allowed me to get to know Sarah. I remember thinking throughout the entire conversation how much I wished someone would spend this much energy thinking about how to talk to me. I wished I was cuter or more witty or sexier or something. I feel mediocre in all the different areas of attraction that could get girls to swoon like Sarah was. Maybe all this walking and forgetting to eat will change that. Who knows. Classes start tomorrow. I'll keep you updated.

Day Four - 08/22/09

Today was the first day that there wasn't anything planned until the evening for welcome week. I think they expected that most kids would be drinking themselves silly on friday and be too tired to do anything until late at night. Went to a job interview in the morning off campus. I walked to the building about three blocks away and i showed my id to the man at the desk. He waved me in and I walked straight over to the elevators. He asked me if I was working there and I said no. He proceeded to become very agitated and to tell me that I needed to sign in and that if I'd never been in a building before that I should tell the security what my business was. He asked me if I knew where I was going. I didn't so I said no. He again proceeded to reprimand me on my lack of understanding and tell me to ask where to go from now on. He was a very muscular (and honestly very scary) black man and I continued to apologize as the doors closed on the elevator and I sighed out some relief. I went to the interview and as soon as I came downstairs he was peaches and cream. He asked me how it went and I said it went ok and he said Thats good! You just gotta stay positive, they'll probably call you on monday. And then he gave me a big smile. I felt like I was in a weird coming of age movie, you know, that scene where there is a guy who is only a douche because its a rite of passage to be treated like crap. As soon as he didn't have to be rude, he was the nicest guy. It was strange.

The school set up a welcome back concert and there were tons of people there. It was a really fun event but a way different crowd from what I'm used to in the northwest. At our concerts we cheer like crazy and appreciate the artist all through the set. We try to see if we can get the artist to be taken aback by how much we love them. I was at a concert where it happened once, that band will be coming back to portland more often because of that one night. But LA kids are fairly lame when it comes to concerts apparently. We barely cheered and when i did, people looked at me like i was an idiot. By the end people were crowd surfing and moshing like crazy. It was really fun. I'm beginning to appreciate the amazing power of USC in this town. We are the biggest and richest school in town. Its like we're the USA of the town. All the events come to us because we're such a big audience and if they won't come to us, we have to funding to pay them to come. We are a force to be reckoned with. Its fun to be a part of that.

Day Three - 08/21/09

Wake up early to go to the all student SCA meeting. Every freshman and transfer student in the school is in the Norris theatre to receive all the staff from the school as they speak about our time here and how we should spend it. We head off to department meetings, meaning everyone in the room is only Production majors. We go around the room and introduce ourselves and everyone can tell that its a fantastic group. We are all enthusiastic, fun, and talented people. We all get along really well and we all love eachother right off the bat. Its amazing that these are the people I will be making movies with for the rest of my life. All in one room at the same time. Lots of number exchanging and mingling. There is a dance party in the quad next to my dorm and we dance and talk and have fun into the wee hours of the morning. Sleep. Feeling more at home but also surprised at how different everything is than my expectations. Everyone told me it would be different than i thought but i didn't really believe them. Its crazy here. Everything is exciting and fun and BIG!

Day Two - 08/20/09

Wake up at nine to go to my micro-seminar at ten. Micro-Seminar is sort of like a mini two day class about subjects ranging from string theory to alfred hitchcock. I chose one called Group Collaboration, a look into how creativity works and how it functions in a group dynamic. I figured it would be good to know for my major...nope. The professor, while speaking about the most creative people and things in human history, couldn't have been more dull and unenthusiastic. I was supremely disappointed. I thought it was going to be a fun two day course with exciting activities...and I think it could have been with the students that I met in the room. But the professor was a total dud and couldn't get excited about anything. We were bored out of our minds. Left that to go to lunch at EVK (Everybodies Kitchen) and meet some people. As I scoured the room for someone to sit with, I flashed back to all the horrible teen movies I'd seen with this exact scene in it. It usually ends with someone calling the person over to sit with them. Instead, I called a girl I had met the day before to ask where she was sitting. I came over and was discouraged to discover all the kids talking with one other person, me the odd one out. I tried to enter different conversations and couldn't. I began to feel isolated and alone. As if everyone had somone but me. I left to go to the job fair to...find a job. I put in applications at many places and began to get a little freaked about the college experience. I didn't want to work at a job and go to classes! When would I have time for fun? Or friends? Or food? Or filmmaking? I wanted to explore LA, go to the beach, go to parties, meet people, play music, be in a Frat, and go to USC events. I remembered my time working at Fred Meyer and how often I would be working when something fun was happening and I would miss out. I began to imagine horrible visions of everyone having fun, meeting their potential, and networking without me. I texted my old high school friend Katrina and asked her to meet me at the poster sale to talk. She did and we shopped for five minutes before I had to run off to a financial awareness meeting. We didn't talk much, but it was nice to see a familiar face. One that liked me and could be there for me, should I need it. The financial aid meeting freaked me out as well. It made life seem like one big coupon count, saving a penny here or there to get by. It put life as a student in perspective. I am poor and have no income. I do not know how to not live richly because I have always felt entitled to such a lifestyle. Such entitlement must cease. And yet, I still don't want to order off the dollar menu. The day continued with events from USC that had lines spanning half the length of campus and a much better tasting dinner at Parkside with someone I just met. I feel good walking everywhere, and I think I'm eating better than usual...or at least, in smaller portions. I'm hoping to lose 15 pounds this year, rather than gain. I'll keep you updated. Met up with a bunch of SCA kids to go buy tickets for Inglourious Basterds, the new Tarantino flick. We decide against it and instead head over to the pool for a Dive-In Movie. The pool looks crowded so we head over to our beautiful new buildings, with their Lucas and Spielberg wings, and play musical chairs. We have no music so we sing instead, musical numbers from "I'm on a Boat" to "Cell-Block Tango" to "Twinkle twinkle little star" to "I want it that way," just to name a few. We are kicked out of the courtyard for being too loud and head over to party in the lounge in Pardee tower (ha ha). Someone thought it would be a good idea to cram all 22 of us into an elevator...we go up to the second floor and then fall five feet to rest quietly between the two floors. We are crammed into the tiny space and its already quite hot out. We call the operator who calls the fire department. We wait, play an icebreaker, keep calm, and have some fun while we wait to be rescued by the LAFD. We all bond quite nicely over the event and have created a facebook group for those on the elevator to keep in touch. Interesting first full day. Many contrasts, many firsts, many changes.