I get big bursts of lonely here. It'll be when I'm in my class and I'm not sitting next to anyone I know. Or when I'm in my room alone and I hear people outside leaving to go to lunch or to a party or to anywhere. Or when I'm hanging out with a group and they all go somewhere else without me. Its so nice having Katrina here because I have someone who I love and who loves me already. But whenever I hang out with her I feel like I'm selling out my social life. I need new friends. I can't only hang out with people I already know. But whenever I'm with new people I've met, I feel like an outcast. A tagalong. I feel like I haven't found my group yet. I had a group at home. People I felt I could trust. People I identified with. I have some people I'd like to be that way with here, but they seem uninterested in me.
Then there are spouts of massive anxiety. About class. About working and having class. About fraternities and not being a part of them. About parties and not being able to go to them because I'm not in a fraternity. About not making friends. About not being fit enough to meet girls. About working on people's movies and wanting to get started. About feeling behind from everyone else. I get these attacks of fear that I'm not being productive enough. That I'm not on the right track. Or that everyone is really far ahead of me. Or about money, and not having enough. Or any. About the rest of my life and what a massive undertaking it is to be doing something with as much uncertainty as I am.
The risk I'm taking is gargantuan, unfathomable really. Its possible that I could never get a job doing what I really want to do. And the liberty of the rest of my life is at stake. I find myself doubting my abilities and intelligence and work ethic. I find myself jarred by the position I'm finding myself in, and the hole I'm going to eventually have to dig out of. Its easier to look down and just keep digging than to look up and see how deep I am into the ground. I actually flinch sometimes, thinking about it. I have a physical aversion to the thoughts. My neck spasms or my eye flicks itself halfway closed in defiance. Sometimes I don't check my e-mail because I'm afraid there will be responsibility and guilt lurking in my inbox.
I think about my friends. And how most of them are still in Vancouver, enjoying their old lives. How most of them will end up less than 10 miles from each other and less than three hours from home, should there be a breakdown. I could be on a deserted island for where I am. I miss some of them deeply. I get pangs of sadness that they will all be somewhere else together. Without me. Things are not exactly what I expected them to be. And its not that they're necessarily worse. But it doesn't stop me from being disappointed. I get afraid that I'm wasting my time and money and that I should just admit my limits and let go.
But then I think for a second and realize that isn't a real option. And I try to keep calm. And I try to smile. And I try to visualize. I'm scared. But I'm not leaving.
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I read this and it made me ache for you -
ReplyDeletebecause I know how you get - how you spin yourself up and how it seemed that Dad and I could somehow calm you down
- you are going thru what everone goes thru when they move to a new place - the friendships arent deep yet and there is no history - you have to work hard to keep the social pace happening and when you are alone you find yourself surrounded by people in pairs and groups that you are not a part of
- but you have only been there for a couple of weeks - there is no way to replace what you had here in such a short time -
this is good for you - it is good to figure out what is really important - it is good to risk and what I know about you is that you are wicked smart and that you don't really want it to be too easy - you created a gaggle of friends because you decided to - you will do it again - people are attracted to you
- Katie and her sister came into the Street and they were talking about working with you on the cricket videos and how much they liked you and her sister said she thought you were darling and really liked you - you spent a short amount of time with them and yet that's what they came away with -
also I wanted to say that from the time you were a small child you were content to be by yourself - it is only in the past couple years that you have been so surrounded by friends - if you can be ok by yourself and enjoy the company of yourself then in the "not needing" of company you will find yourself surrounded by people who will seek you out -
about the guilt - I'm sorry if you feel that I am a source of guilt for you- I dont want to be - but I realize that it would be difficult not to feel guilty about a collection of things -
just know this - we are proud of you - we believe in you and we are doing what we WANT to do on your behalf - you have eveything you need to be wildly successful - you are enough just as you are
money , fitness etc were never the things that attracted people to you - and I will add that you are in LA the land of "not enoughness" (yeah its a word) you have to be stubborn about what it is you really value and not decide to rely (or miss) things that never really mattered before -
I knew you would get lonely - I would have been surprised if you didn't - you will use it to your advantage as a motivator and it will work for you - consider it a gift from the universe - ask what it is teaching you - what can it teach you? - it is part of your education - if you know what you don't want you can find what you do want - you are a powerful person with great ideas and right now you are a beginner again - embrace that - love mom