GAME DAY!

So, today was game day. That means something here. Something immense. We were playing San Jose State University. They're an OK team from NorCal. We are supposed to slaughter them. And so far...we have. Right now the score is 42 to 3. This school is a power house. There is very little its not good at. Language and Mathematics are the only programs here that aren't world renowned. And our athletics is top ten in everything but boys soccer. This school is, on paper, perfect.

I walked home today at five in the morning because I was at a 12 hour shoot with Zack, a Junior in Film Production that I know from high school. This was my first set and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. Zack is a bit unorganized but he does have a vision. And our cinematic style is very similar. I would go to suggest things to do and he would already be doing them. I can't wait to start shooting my own pieces. Until then... Assistant Director is not a bad credit. We stayed in the same building shooting coverage from all angles for literally 12 hours. I was exhausted and walked home...only to see people setting up tents for today's game.

What you have to understand about LA is that just about everyone is a Trojan or a Bruin. And College Football is a religion here just like high school ball is in Texas. Again...I walked home at five in the morning and there were people sleeping outside in tents to get good spots for their keggers and tailgate parties. I was so exhausted that I didn't get up early to go be involved in the festivities. I woke up at 11 and went out just to see what was going on. There were literally over 100,000 people on campus...all in dark red cardinal shirts, skirts, hats, socks, and shoes. Every tent was Trojan themed and had tons of people crowding around... music... beer... dancing... screaming....and keep in mind this is all before noon. If a shirt didn't say Trojan on it, it said UCLGAY or FUCLA or UCLA sucks. This school is as much for itself as it is against UCLA. Its nuts. There's a fountain on campus that is shaped like a middle finger and everyone says its pointed toward UCLA (its not. Its a good myth but its just a fountain, and its about 90 degrees off). I'm sad I won't be here for the UCLA game. They scheduled it for the Saturday after Thanksgiving, which makes no sense in my opinion. But that would be an experience.

Anyway...I'm doing ok here. I still haven't found a group to identify with or a really good friend. But I'm much more hopeful that I was before. Thank you if you have been calling me or e-mailing me. It really does help to hear from you. I miss my family and my friends. But I'll be ok. Kirsten has been telling me how good she's doing and how much fun she's having. She told me that her group of friends already calls itself a family. This is hard for me to even write. I'm not usually a jealous person and I think it wouldn't hurt nearly as much if I was doing better here but I end up feeling these huge attacks of envy and anger. I get scared for myself and angry that she is doing so well without me. Its a horrible feeling because I know I shouldn't feel it. I should be happy for her. I should wish her well and hope she's happy with her friends. But I'm not. I find myself wishing she would call me crying and tell me that she's lonely. Because that's sometimes what I want to do. I wish she would tell me she's having a hard time finding friends or that she misses me so much. All these things show my selfishness and not my love for her. I try to deny them but the feelings are there. I sometimes wonder how good a person I am and whether I really selflessly love the people I think I do. I'll do better soon. I'm just struggling right now. She told me she's found someone. A guy. Someone she gets along really well with and has stayed up really late talking to almost every night. When she told me this...I couldn't sleep for two days. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I went to class and had to stop myself from thinking about it. I'm doing better now...but I still miss her. I still wish that she was having some difficulty. Just so I knew I wasn't the only one. She just got a job with a German company that is going to fly her out to San Fransisco to do a $2500 shoot. Sometimes I think her life is perfect and get so angry that mine is not. Its all selfish thoughts and they only seek to cause me more pain. But I don't know how to stop them from entering my head.

I find myself walking alone most of the time. With my own objectives. Classes here are much less social than classes in high school. I would always know everyone's names around me and sit by certain people every day. I would talk to them all the time and hang out with them outside of class. Here, everyone is so concentrated on the lecture and taking notes that there is no time for social interaction. The environment isn't conducive to that kind of behavior. Sometimes I end up feeling most alone in a lecture hall filled with hundreds of students.

The frat scene here is about what I expected. Except its much more exclusive than I expected. Literally I will walk up to the gate of some frat party and they won't even see all the girls walking about me but they will pick me out and physically stop me. They're rude about it too, most times. They think you're somehow hostile towards them and that you're not going to go away quietly. They try to intimidate you out of wanting to be there. Which is honestly counterproductive to their goal. There are some places that I've been turned away from, that I just will never go back to again. They have ruined their own reputations to me by being that way. The whole frat boy mentality is very elitist and conceited. I'm honestly a little happy I didn't pledge because I don't want to associate myself with rude people. I've never understood why anyone thinks its right to be rude to someone they don't know. Frat boys are really good at it. Its interesting though. The Sorority scene is massively different than the frat scene. The process is much more rigorous and selective and some girls end up depressed and transferring out of SC because they didn't get into the Sorority they wanted. Its crazy. Also you can walk up and down the row (the street the frats and sororities are on) and pick out, just by glancing over, which houses are the girls and which houses are the guys. Sororities are gorgeous multi-million dollar estates and the guys houses are run down and have trash all over the property. I'll keep you updated with my opinions of the Greek life here. I'm sure it will change massively over the course of the year.

Brett and I are getting along really well. We are talking more. He's thinking about transferring because he feels so alone too. He hasn't really found a group to be with yet either...but he's much more OK with that than I am. Whenever I come home he is always here. Watching seinfeld or chatting with friends from home. I think he's having the same problems I am. But I think I'm much more extroverted than him and require that kind of interaction in my life more than he does. Nevertheless he's thinking about going somewhere else. He thinks all the people here are the same and he doesn't like them. I understand where he's coming from but I won't even let myself consider transferring. Honestly...except for my almost non-existent social circle, this place is perfect for me. I can't imagine being anywhere else. I just have to make it over this one hurdle and then I'll be ok. And it'll get better. I know it will. I have to know it will. I'm going to stop summarizing my days on here and start just talking about what I'm thinking about. I think thats much more interesting than hearing about what I did. Thank you for reading. Is there anything I haven't talked about that you readers want to hear about? Send me an email or leave a comment.