Hey Kim! Glad you're reading this! Send me a text to let me know you ARE reading this ;)
So last week I crewed on a 480 project. Thats the final project that production majors do their senior year. The first semester you take the class, you have to crew someone else's 480. Then, if you're selected by the staff of the cinema school you get to direct your own project the next semester. My project is called "No Time for Holiday." Its about a girl named Riley who is adopted by this family and then ends up corrupting their daughter, Jaden. This weekend we shot a scene with two different actresses for the main character. The scene was closer to the end of the film when Riley is taking Jaden home from a party where she has become massively drunk.
It was me and some friends of mine in production who were PA's for the shoot. I ran backlighting for the car and I also shook the car to make it look like it was moving. It was so fun. Everyone had their jobs and were contributing in their own way to the shoot. Everyone was trying to make everyone else's job easier and putting in their two cents. I love that kind of group dynamic. Everyone is interested in getting one very complicated thing done. Its one of my favorite parts of production. Its why I'm sure I'm never going to ONLY write. Because then you're never on set, which is where I feel I need to be. Then again, editors aren't usually on set either. We'll see what happens.
Anyway, its an interesting relationship we have with these people because we are so excited to help them and feel like its an opportunity that we're being given. And the real crew appreciates the volunteer work we are giving to them. Its a total win win but in such a way that its confusing as to who has the power in the relationship. They're trying to make us feel welcome because they really do need our help and we're trying to make them feel like we really want to be there because we really do.
So after the shoot is over all the production majors I know come together for a meeting for the 48 hour film festival taking place this weekend. They announce the rules and what is going to be required and then let us go to make groups. Here is where things get interesting.
The groups are capped at five people per group and we have about 17 people committed to participating. At first we try to make everything civilized and do things randomly (which no one wants to do) and then we try to create groups that have assigned directors and writers (which also doesn't work because no one knows what they want to do yet or what they're good at). The problem is that in this group there is a sub-group that all went to Disneyland together and are really close with each other. They all want to be in a group together but everyone wants to be in their groups as well. No one knows each other well enough to say what they're really thinking and no one is willing to take the first step and say they do or don't want to be in anyone else's group. We tried doing it in the most juvenile way possible which is to have everyone slowly coalesce into whatever groups they want. This worked except that some people were so against this that they refused to even stand up and join a group. This ruined the process completely and we were back to square one.
What transpired was some of the strangest and most interesting group dynamics I've ever seen. Everyone had preferences but no one was willing to be honest and vulnerable and say who they wanted to be with or not be with. No one was sure whether the person they wanted to be with wanted to be with them. In the end (after literally two and half hours of discussing) we just sort of moved people around until two groups had what they wanted and everyone who wasn't there to say what they wanted were placed in a separate group. I'm happy with my group but I'm not sure how happy anyone else is because no one will say anything.
After that grueling process was over a friend and I went back to PA more on the set. When we got there they were shooting the same scene in the car from before but using the new actress for Riley's character. They weren't going to use anything they shot that day in the final movie but they needed to test the two actresses for Riley in the same scene.
As civilians, we never see the process of casting. We always see a movie when the actors have been chosen and the character has been rewritten for them. As a result we can never think of the movie as what it would have been with a different cast. For example the first choice for Indiana Jones' character was Tom Sellack. Try to imagine THAT Indiana Jones movie. You can't because it would have been a completely different movie. Keanu Reeves' character in the Matrix was originally cast as Will Smith. The Will Smith Neo would have been a completely different character, completely different movie.
That is the strange feeling I got when I saw the new Riley. It just didn't seem right that she was playing the character because she looked so different. I had connected the first girl with the character and couldn't get that norm out of my head. At the end of the day they asked us our opinions on the two actresses because they were still undecided. The first girl was a better actress and easier to work with but the second girl looked the part much more. This is an interesting decision. You would think you should choose the better actress every time but they only have 15 minutes to communicate what they want about this character. It becomes more work for the editor and director to establish the character if she doesn't look the part. They may not have enough material to create the character that would be there from the beginning with an actress who looks the part. I'll let you know what they decide.
When Matt and I got there they had just realized that they didn't have a stand-in for the character of Frank, the drunk guy in the back of the car hitting on Jaden. All of the crew had their own jobs and so the choices came down to me or Matt. Matt is an interesting guy. He has horrible hearing, he can't really see in the dark because of an eye disease, and he's not the kind of guy who would be able to act (especially if his character is drunk and hitting on some girl). This is not to say that I AM the kind of guy who'd be able to do those things, but I would be willing to if absolutely necessary. Matt would not. He looked at me and I knew who was going to be playing the part.
The character had no written lines in this scene, it was all improvisation. My motivation was that I was piss drunk, and that I was REALLY into Jaden.
This was not a hard character to play.
The actress who played Jaden was 15 so that was a little awkward. But besides that it was really fun. The best part was Jaden's character was very drunk at this point too, and totally into me. This was a new feeling for me. Everything I said was funny to her and she responded exactly how I would want a girl to respond to me in real life. It was strange because I had just met this girl. She was way too young for me. And yet here I am with my arm around her trying to kiss her. I have no idea how the professional actors do sex scenes. Or make-out scenes. Or any-sort-of-intimate-interaction scenes. Acting like we were really attracted to each other was awkward enough.
Its weird because it didn't actually happen, but it did. Its not real, and everyone knows that...but it still actually happens. I still had my arm around some girl I had met ten minutes earlier. I totally understand why actors who work on movies together get so close. They have to skip passed all that introduction and getting-to0-know-you stuff and go straight to kissing and having sex. Its all very strange and interesting.
I have no idea how I did, I couldn't watch myself on the TV because it was way too awkward and embarrassing. But I was told that they would hire me as the character if they could (no crew members can act in the film). So thats something right? We'll see how much acting I do here, maybe I'll take a class or something. Just to get to know the craft. Seems like a good idea to me. I love being a part of all this stuff. This weekend will be my own piece for the 48-hour film fest. I'll probably post the final on here when I get a chance. Then its back to their set for next weekend. I'm glad I'm getting so much on-set experience here. Its so important and fun. Lovin' it. Talk to you soon.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Love/Hate
One thing you have to understand about USC is its a love hate relationship. I think most people end up having that with their college, at least freshman year. I can't imagine having it entirely one way for the other.
There will be days when I think about where I could be: back home with my friends and family. At Occidental with Kirsten. Anywhere with Kirsten. At UW with everyone I've ever known. And I blame this place for keeping me from that. I get angry and jealous and scared. And I forget what an honor and pleasure it is to be here. I start thinking about the things that aren't perfect. Like my roommate. Or my floormates. Or my friends. Or the food. Or my classes. I get upset that things aren't the way they're supposed to be, what I'd like them to be. I start thinking how much I hate it here and why aren't I back home safe and happy again?
And then there will be days like today when my floor decided to go have a friendly soccer match. Most of the people on the floor have been playing for a while. Or if they haven't they at least go the gym. Or if they don't go to the gym they're at least athletic. Or they at least look athletic. Anyway they don't look like me is what I'm trying to say. We go over to the big stadium field to play a game and at one point I just looked around at all the architecture and gorgeous trees and buildings and I said out loud "I love this school." I couldn't help it. It just made me happy to think I was in one of the most prestigious schools in the world, in one of the most relevant cities in the world, studying what I love the most in the world.
Its so exciting telling people I'm a film production major. I assume its nothing like telling someone you're a biology or a mathematics or a business major. That is unless the person you're telling is someone who absolutely LOVES biology or math or business. Everyone loves movies. And I'm here to study how to make them. That's why I'm here. Its not to do work. Its not to write papers that don't matter. Its to study what I love to do the most. Its to have fun doing what I love to do most. At the very very best school for it.
Thats the other thing, is knowing that you are in the very best school for what you're studying. With most people, there is always somewhere better they could be. If you're business its UPenn. If its pottery its UW. But if its Film, its USC. And it doesn't really matter what the lists say about NYU because thats a completely different kind of film making they're doing over there in New York. And its not what I want to be a part of. I'm in Harvard Law. No, better than Harvard Law. They say that the USC Film School is the hardest program to get into at any institution anywhere.
I remember growing up and always wanting to be special. I would always qualify myself in any area where someone was better than me. When Seungjun and Seungsoo and Tim were in higher math than me, I would say to myself, "Well I'm taller. And I have more friends." And when Hayden was the star of the football team I would say, "Well I'm smarter." Just because I had to make myself feel better about why I wasn't the best. About why I wasn't special. But now, I'm in the exact perfect position. I'm studying what I love, at the best place to do it. I don't know how many people can say that in this country, or in the world. The other 49 kids in my program for sure. But how many after that? I'm the luckiest 18 year old I can imagine. Where will I go from here?
There will be days when I think about where I could be: back home with my friends and family. At Occidental with Kirsten. Anywhere with Kirsten. At UW with everyone I've ever known. And I blame this place for keeping me from that. I get angry and jealous and scared. And I forget what an honor and pleasure it is to be here. I start thinking about the things that aren't perfect. Like my roommate. Or my floormates. Or my friends. Or the food. Or my classes. I get upset that things aren't the way they're supposed to be, what I'd like them to be. I start thinking how much I hate it here and why aren't I back home safe and happy again?
And then there will be days like today when my floor decided to go have a friendly soccer match. Most of the people on the floor have been playing for a while. Or if they haven't they at least go the gym. Or if they don't go to the gym they're at least athletic. Or they at least look athletic. Anyway they don't look like me is what I'm trying to say. We go over to the big stadium field to play a game and at one point I just looked around at all the architecture and gorgeous trees and buildings and I said out loud "I love this school." I couldn't help it. It just made me happy to think I was in one of the most prestigious schools in the world, in one of the most relevant cities in the world, studying what I love the most in the world.
Its so exciting telling people I'm a film production major. I assume its nothing like telling someone you're a biology or a mathematics or a business major. That is unless the person you're telling is someone who absolutely LOVES biology or math or business. Everyone loves movies. And I'm here to study how to make them. That's why I'm here. Its not to do work. Its not to write papers that don't matter. Its to study what I love to do the most. Its to have fun doing what I love to do most. At the very very best school for it.
Thats the other thing, is knowing that you are in the very best school for what you're studying. With most people, there is always somewhere better they could be. If you're business its UPenn. If its pottery its UW. But if its Film, its USC. And it doesn't really matter what the lists say about NYU because thats a completely different kind of film making they're doing over there in New York. And its not what I want to be a part of. I'm in Harvard Law. No, better than Harvard Law. They say that the USC Film School is the hardest program to get into at any institution anywhere.
I remember growing up and always wanting to be special. I would always qualify myself in any area where someone was better than me. When Seungjun and Seungsoo and Tim were in higher math than me, I would say to myself, "Well I'm taller. And I have more friends." And when Hayden was the star of the football team I would say, "Well I'm smarter." Just because I had to make myself feel better about why I wasn't the best. About why I wasn't special. But now, I'm in the exact perfect position. I'm studying what I love, at the best place to do it. I don't know how many people can say that in this country, or in the world. The other 49 kids in my program for sure. But how many after that? I'm the luckiest 18 year old I can imagine. Where will I go from here?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Something Every Day That Scares You
So today I was at lunch with some friends (all production majors...go figure) when one of them points out Dr. Casper in line for food by the salad bar. I have a little mini freak out and then ask them if "should we invite him over to have lunch with us?" The other people in the group were like "You can ask him." So I did.
It was so scary. He's not a scary-looking man and he's not big or mean-looking, he's just massively intimidating. He has a presence that makes you feel small and insignificant, and he does it on purpose, but for some reason it doesn't feel malicious. Its like, "You are going to be treated this bad and much worse in this industry, so you better grow some balls and know your shit cause if you don't, they'll break you in half." He's horrible to you on purpose but for some reason it feels like its for your benefit. It might have something to do with the fact that he's so polite and asks you your name before telling you you know nothing and that your whole generation is only interested in movies with "sex and explosions." Oh and also "Cell phones are the devil." But I digress.
I went up to him and said "Dr. Casper, would you like to come sit with us?" At this point my heart is past my throat and is somewhere in orbit around Jupiter when he says "Oh, I'm sitting with someone else. I'm sorry. What's your name?" "My name is Cassidy. Like Butch? Or hop-a-long?" "OH YES!" he says. "From 190, you sit on this side. Cassidy." "Yes." "I'll see you at two."
So now I've accomplished my scary thing for the day and think my adventure is over. I get to class and sit in my normal spot. And Casper comes up to the front of the class and says "Cassidy! We have many things to talk about today, Cassidy!" He proceeds to mention my name about every 30 seconds for the next five minutes of class. And then to call on me repeatedly. So now I'm officially screwed because he will never forget my name or where I sit for the rest of the semester. I will be forever doomed to be called on and asked questions I don't know the answer to. I can never fall asleep in his class or bring other work to his lectures. I have made my life much more difficult and I'm so happy I did.
At one point he comes up to a friend named Tim and says "What is the exit of Gene Kelly at the end of 'Singin' in the Rain?'" And Tim, like a good friend, says, "I don't know you better go to Cassidy." And of course, I don't know the answer. I guess. I'm wrong. And Casper runs up to me and grabs the pen out of my hand. He says "NO! Cassidy. What are you doing?" and then proceeds to write NO in big capital letters on my arm. This man is one of the strangest teachers I've ever had.
At the end of class Casper begins to relay to us about his intimate relationship with Joan Crawford, how he knew her and was invited for tea at her apartment in Manhattan and how she got him and his family box seats to any broadway show they wanted to see. He ends with "And I will take Joan with me to my grave. And I'll take Cassidy and Tim to my grave as well but obviously for different reasons." And that made it all worth it. Even though I think it was meant as an insult...
It was so scary. He's not a scary-looking man and he's not big or mean-looking, he's just massively intimidating. He has a presence that makes you feel small and insignificant, and he does it on purpose, but for some reason it doesn't feel malicious. Its like, "You are going to be treated this bad and much worse in this industry, so you better grow some balls and know your shit cause if you don't, they'll break you in half." He's horrible to you on purpose but for some reason it feels like its for your benefit. It might have something to do with the fact that he's so polite and asks you your name before telling you you know nothing and that your whole generation is only interested in movies with "sex and explosions." Oh and also "Cell phones are the devil." But I digress.
I went up to him and said "Dr. Casper, would you like to come sit with us?" At this point my heart is past my throat and is somewhere in orbit around Jupiter when he says "Oh, I'm sitting with someone else. I'm sorry. What's your name?" "My name is Cassidy. Like Butch? Or hop-a-long?" "OH YES!" he says. "From 190, you sit on this side. Cassidy." "Yes." "I'll see you at two."
So now I've accomplished my scary thing for the day and think my adventure is over. I get to class and sit in my normal spot. And Casper comes up to the front of the class and says "Cassidy! We have many things to talk about today, Cassidy!" He proceeds to mention my name about every 30 seconds for the next five minutes of class. And then to call on me repeatedly. So now I'm officially screwed because he will never forget my name or where I sit for the rest of the semester. I will be forever doomed to be called on and asked questions I don't know the answer to. I can never fall asleep in his class or bring other work to his lectures. I have made my life much more difficult and I'm so happy I did.
At one point he comes up to a friend named Tim and says "What is the exit of Gene Kelly at the end of 'Singin' in the Rain?'" And Tim, like a good friend, says, "I don't know you better go to Cassidy." And of course, I don't know the answer. I guess. I'm wrong. And Casper runs up to me and grabs the pen out of my hand. He says "NO! Cassidy. What are you doing?" and then proceeds to write NO in big capital letters on my arm. This man is one of the strangest teachers I've ever had.
At the end of class Casper begins to relay to us about his intimate relationship with Joan Crawford, how he knew her and was invited for tea at her apartment in Manhattan and how she got him and his family box seats to any broadway show they wanted to see. He ends with "And I will take Joan with me to my grave. And I'll take Cassidy and Tim to my grave as well but obviously for different reasons." And that made it all worth it. Even though I think it was meant as an insult...
Monday, September 7, 2009
LA Culture
There is a strange habit down here of hating. I'm very used to the Northwest way of thinking which has a lot of emphasis on being polite and giving to each other. It seems here in LA, and possibly most of Southern California, that is not the practice. Everyone from this area code hates people from this area code. Every neighborhood has a rival neighborhood that they "hate on." Everyone has things they hate that other people do. Like I use the word "hella" sometimes as a replacement for "very." Thats hella cool. Or hella fun. Or hella hard. Its actually very common in the northern coastal areas. But no one in SoCal says "hella." And they hate anyone who does. Its really strange. Everyone in SoCal hates NorCal. And so anything associated with NorCal is something to hate in SoCal.
Another subtle difference here is abbreviations. I think it might have to do with efficiency or maybe just laziness, but everything is abbreviated from its original name here. Even if the abbreviation isn't shorter to say. Parkside becomes P-side. Trojan Grounds becomes TroGro. Norther California is NorCal and Southern California is SoCal. University Village is UV. Alcohol is "Alc." Its all very LA.
Another subtle difference here is abbreviations. I think it might have to do with efficiency or maybe just laziness, but everything is abbreviated from its original name here. Even if the abbreviation isn't shorter to say. Parkside becomes P-side. Trojan Grounds becomes TroGro. Norther California is NorCal and Southern California is SoCal. University Village is UV. Alcohol is "Alc." Its all very LA.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
GAME DAY!
So, today was game day. That means something here. Something immense. We were playing San Jose State University. They're an OK team from NorCal. We are supposed to slaughter them. And so far...we have. Right now the score is 42 to 3. This school is a power house. There is very little its not good at. Language and Mathematics are the only programs here that aren't world renowned. And our athletics is top ten in everything but boys soccer. This school is, on paper, perfect.
I walked home today at five in the morning because I was at a 12 hour shoot with Zack, a Junior in Film Production that I know from high school. This was my first set and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. Zack is a bit unorganized but he does have a vision. And our cinematic style is very similar. I would go to suggest things to do and he would already be doing them. I can't wait to start shooting my own pieces. Until then... Assistant Director is not a bad credit. We stayed in the same building shooting coverage from all angles for literally 12 hours. I was exhausted and walked home...only to see people setting up tents for today's game.
What you have to understand about LA is that just about everyone is a Trojan or a Bruin. And College Football is a religion here just like high school ball is in Texas. Again...I walked home at five in the morning and there were people sleeping outside in tents to get good spots for their keggers and tailgate parties. I was so exhausted that I didn't get up early to go be involved in the festivities. I woke up at 11 and went out just to see what was going on. There were literally over 100,000 people on campus...all in dark red cardinal shirts, skirts, hats, socks, and shoes. Every tent was Trojan themed and had tons of people crowding around... music... beer... dancing... screaming....and keep in mind this is all before noon. If a shirt didn't say Trojan on it, it said UCLGAY or FUCLA or UCLA sucks. This school is as much for itself as it is against UCLA. Its nuts. There's a fountain on campus that is shaped like a middle finger and everyone says its pointed toward UCLA (its not. Its a good myth but its just a fountain, and its about 90 degrees off). I'm sad I won't be here for the UCLA game. They scheduled it for the Saturday after Thanksgiving, which makes no sense in my opinion. But that would be an experience.
Anyway...I'm doing ok here. I still haven't found a group to identify with or a really good friend. But I'm much more hopeful that I was before. Thank you if you have been calling me or e-mailing me. It really does help to hear from you. I miss my family and my friends. But I'll be ok. Kirsten has been telling me how good she's doing and how much fun she's having. She told me that her group of friends already calls itself a family. This is hard for me to even write. I'm not usually a jealous person and I think it wouldn't hurt nearly as much if I was doing better here but I end up feeling these huge attacks of envy and anger. I get scared for myself and angry that she is doing so well without me. Its a horrible feeling because I know I shouldn't feel it. I should be happy for her. I should wish her well and hope she's happy with her friends. But I'm not. I find myself wishing she would call me crying and tell me that she's lonely. Because that's sometimes what I want to do. I wish she would tell me she's having a hard time finding friends or that she misses me so much. All these things show my selfishness and not my love for her. I try to deny them but the feelings are there. I sometimes wonder how good a person I am and whether I really selflessly love the people I think I do. I'll do better soon. I'm just struggling right now. She told me she's found someone. A guy. Someone she gets along really well with and has stayed up really late talking to almost every night. When she told me this...I couldn't sleep for two days. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I went to class and had to stop myself from thinking about it. I'm doing better now...but I still miss her. I still wish that she was having some difficulty. Just so I knew I wasn't the only one. She just got a job with a German company that is going to fly her out to San Fransisco to do a $2500 shoot. Sometimes I think her life is perfect and get so angry that mine is not. Its all selfish thoughts and they only seek to cause me more pain. But I don't know how to stop them from entering my head.
I find myself walking alone most of the time. With my own objectives. Classes here are much less social than classes in high school. I would always know everyone's names around me and sit by certain people every day. I would talk to them all the time and hang out with them outside of class. Here, everyone is so concentrated on the lecture and taking notes that there is no time for social interaction. The environment isn't conducive to that kind of behavior. Sometimes I end up feeling most alone in a lecture hall filled with hundreds of students.
The frat scene here is about what I expected. Except its much more exclusive than I expected. Literally I will walk up to the gate of some frat party and they won't even see all the girls walking about me but they will pick me out and physically stop me. They're rude about it too, most times. They think you're somehow hostile towards them and that you're not going to go away quietly. They try to intimidate you out of wanting to be there. Which is honestly counterproductive to their goal. There are some places that I've been turned away from, that I just will never go back to again. They have ruined their own reputations to me by being that way. The whole frat boy mentality is very elitist and conceited. I'm honestly a little happy I didn't pledge because I don't want to associate myself with rude people. I've never understood why anyone thinks its right to be rude to someone they don't know. Frat boys are really good at it. Its interesting though. The Sorority scene is massively different than the frat scene. The process is much more rigorous and selective and some girls end up depressed and transferring out of SC because they didn't get into the Sorority they wanted. Its crazy. Also you can walk up and down the row (the street the frats and sororities are on) and pick out, just by glancing over, which houses are the girls and which houses are the guys. Sororities are gorgeous multi-million dollar estates and the guys houses are run down and have trash all over the property. I'll keep you updated with my opinions of the Greek life here. I'm sure it will change massively over the course of the year.
Brett and I are getting along really well. We are talking more. He's thinking about transferring because he feels so alone too. He hasn't really found a group to be with yet either...but he's much more OK with that than I am. Whenever I come home he is always here. Watching seinfeld or chatting with friends from home. I think he's having the same problems I am. But I think I'm much more extroverted than him and require that kind of interaction in my life more than he does. Nevertheless he's thinking about going somewhere else. He thinks all the people here are the same and he doesn't like them. I understand where he's coming from but I won't even let myself consider transferring. Honestly...except for my almost non-existent social circle, this place is perfect for me. I can't imagine being anywhere else. I just have to make it over this one hurdle and then I'll be ok. And it'll get better. I know it will. I have to know it will. I'm going to stop summarizing my days on here and start just talking about what I'm thinking about. I think thats much more interesting than hearing about what I did. Thank you for reading. Is there anything I haven't talked about that you readers want to hear about? Send me an email or leave a comment.
I walked home today at five in the morning because I was at a 12 hour shoot with Zack, a Junior in Film Production that I know from high school. This was my first set and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. Zack is a bit unorganized but he does have a vision. And our cinematic style is very similar. I would go to suggest things to do and he would already be doing them. I can't wait to start shooting my own pieces. Until then... Assistant Director is not a bad credit. We stayed in the same building shooting coverage from all angles for literally 12 hours. I was exhausted and walked home...only to see people setting up tents for today's game.
What you have to understand about LA is that just about everyone is a Trojan or a Bruin. And College Football is a religion here just like high school ball is in Texas. Again...I walked home at five in the morning and there were people sleeping outside in tents to get good spots for their keggers and tailgate parties. I was so exhausted that I didn't get up early to go be involved in the festivities. I woke up at 11 and went out just to see what was going on. There were literally over 100,000 people on campus...all in dark red cardinal shirts, skirts, hats, socks, and shoes. Every tent was Trojan themed and had tons of people crowding around... music... beer... dancing... screaming....and keep in mind this is all before noon. If a shirt didn't say Trojan on it, it said UCLGAY or FUCLA or UCLA sucks. This school is as much for itself as it is against UCLA. Its nuts. There's a fountain on campus that is shaped like a middle finger and everyone says its pointed toward UCLA (its not. Its a good myth but its just a fountain, and its about 90 degrees off). I'm sad I won't be here for the UCLA game. They scheduled it for the Saturday after Thanksgiving, which makes no sense in my opinion. But that would be an experience.
Anyway...I'm doing ok here. I still haven't found a group to identify with or a really good friend. But I'm much more hopeful that I was before. Thank you if you have been calling me or e-mailing me. It really does help to hear from you. I miss my family and my friends. But I'll be ok. Kirsten has been telling me how good she's doing and how much fun she's having. She told me that her group of friends already calls itself a family. This is hard for me to even write. I'm not usually a jealous person and I think it wouldn't hurt nearly as much if I was doing better here but I end up feeling these huge attacks of envy and anger. I get scared for myself and angry that she is doing so well without me. Its a horrible feeling because I know I shouldn't feel it. I should be happy for her. I should wish her well and hope she's happy with her friends. But I'm not. I find myself wishing she would call me crying and tell me that she's lonely. Because that's sometimes what I want to do. I wish she would tell me she's having a hard time finding friends or that she misses me so much. All these things show my selfishness and not my love for her. I try to deny them but the feelings are there. I sometimes wonder how good a person I am and whether I really selflessly love the people I think I do. I'll do better soon. I'm just struggling right now. She told me she's found someone. A guy. Someone she gets along really well with and has stayed up really late talking to almost every night. When she told me this...I couldn't sleep for two days. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I went to class and had to stop myself from thinking about it. I'm doing better now...but I still miss her. I still wish that she was having some difficulty. Just so I knew I wasn't the only one. She just got a job with a German company that is going to fly her out to San Fransisco to do a $2500 shoot. Sometimes I think her life is perfect and get so angry that mine is not. Its all selfish thoughts and they only seek to cause me more pain. But I don't know how to stop them from entering my head.
I find myself walking alone most of the time. With my own objectives. Classes here are much less social than classes in high school. I would always know everyone's names around me and sit by certain people every day. I would talk to them all the time and hang out with them outside of class. Here, everyone is so concentrated on the lecture and taking notes that there is no time for social interaction. The environment isn't conducive to that kind of behavior. Sometimes I end up feeling most alone in a lecture hall filled with hundreds of students.
The frat scene here is about what I expected. Except its much more exclusive than I expected. Literally I will walk up to the gate of some frat party and they won't even see all the girls walking about me but they will pick me out and physically stop me. They're rude about it too, most times. They think you're somehow hostile towards them and that you're not going to go away quietly. They try to intimidate you out of wanting to be there. Which is honestly counterproductive to their goal. There are some places that I've been turned away from, that I just will never go back to again. They have ruined their own reputations to me by being that way. The whole frat boy mentality is very elitist and conceited. I'm honestly a little happy I didn't pledge because I don't want to associate myself with rude people. I've never understood why anyone thinks its right to be rude to someone they don't know. Frat boys are really good at it. Its interesting though. The Sorority scene is massively different than the frat scene. The process is much more rigorous and selective and some girls end up depressed and transferring out of SC because they didn't get into the Sorority they wanted. Its crazy. Also you can walk up and down the row (the street the frats and sororities are on) and pick out, just by glancing over, which houses are the girls and which houses are the guys. Sororities are gorgeous multi-million dollar estates and the guys houses are run down and have trash all over the property. I'll keep you updated with my opinions of the Greek life here. I'm sure it will change massively over the course of the year.
Brett and I are getting along really well. We are talking more. He's thinking about transferring because he feels so alone too. He hasn't really found a group to be with yet either...but he's much more OK with that than I am. Whenever I come home he is always here. Watching seinfeld or chatting with friends from home. I think he's having the same problems I am. But I think I'm much more extroverted than him and require that kind of interaction in my life more than he does. Nevertheless he's thinking about going somewhere else. He thinks all the people here are the same and he doesn't like them. I understand where he's coming from but I won't even let myself consider transferring. Honestly...except for my almost non-existent social circle, this place is perfect for me. I can't imagine being anywhere else. I just have to make it over this one hurdle and then I'll be ok. And it'll get better. I know it will. I have to know it will. I'm going to stop summarizing my days on here and start just talking about what I'm thinking about. I think thats much more interesting than hearing about what I did. Thank you for reading. Is there anything I haven't talked about that you readers want to hear about? Send me an email or leave a comment.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Lonely
I get big bursts of lonely here. It'll be when I'm in my class and I'm not sitting next to anyone I know. Or when I'm in my room alone and I hear people outside leaving to go to lunch or to a party or to anywhere. Or when I'm hanging out with a group and they all go somewhere else without me. Its so nice having Katrina here because I have someone who I love and who loves me already. But whenever I hang out with her I feel like I'm selling out my social life. I need new friends. I can't only hang out with people I already know. But whenever I'm with new people I've met, I feel like an outcast. A tagalong. I feel like I haven't found my group yet. I had a group at home. People I felt I could trust. People I identified with. I have some people I'd like to be that way with here, but they seem uninterested in me.
Then there are spouts of massive anxiety. About class. About working and having class. About fraternities and not being a part of them. About parties and not being able to go to them because I'm not in a fraternity. About not making friends. About not being fit enough to meet girls. About working on people's movies and wanting to get started. About feeling behind from everyone else. I get these attacks of fear that I'm not being productive enough. That I'm not on the right track. Or that everyone is really far ahead of me. Or about money, and not having enough. Or any. About the rest of my life and what a massive undertaking it is to be doing something with as much uncertainty as I am.
The risk I'm taking is gargantuan, unfathomable really. Its possible that I could never get a job doing what I really want to do. And the liberty of the rest of my life is at stake. I find myself doubting my abilities and intelligence and work ethic. I find myself jarred by the position I'm finding myself in, and the hole I'm going to eventually have to dig out of. Its easier to look down and just keep digging than to look up and see how deep I am into the ground. I actually flinch sometimes, thinking about it. I have a physical aversion to the thoughts. My neck spasms or my eye flicks itself halfway closed in defiance. Sometimes I don't check my e-mail because I'm afraid there will be responsibility and guilt lurking in my inbox.
I think about my friends. And how most of them are still in Vancouver, enjoying their old lives. How most of them will end up less than 10 miles from each other and less than three hours from home, should there be a breakdown. I could be on a deserted island for where I am. I miss some of them deeply. I get pangs of sadness that they will all be somewhere else together. Without me. Things are not exactly what I expected them to be. And its not that they're necessarily worse. But it doesn't stop me from being disappointed. I get afraid that I'm wasting my time and money and that I should just admit my limits and let go.
But then I think for a second and realize that isn't a real option. And I try to keep calm. And I try to smile. And I try to visualize. I'm scared. But I'm not leaving.
Then there are spouts of massive anxiety. About class. About working and having class. About fraternities and not being a part of them. About parties and not being able to go to them because I'm not in a fraternity. About not making friends. About not being fit enough to meet girls. About working on people's movies and wanting to get started. About feeling behind from everyone else. I get these attacks of fear that I'm not being productive enough. That I'm not on the right track. Or that everyone is really far ahead of me. Or about money, and not having enough. Or any. About the rest of my life and what a massive undertaking it is to be doing something with as much uncertainty as I am.
The risk I'm taking is gargantuan, unfathomable really. Its possible that I could never get a job doing what I really want to do. And the liberty of the rest of my life is at stake. I find myself doubting my abilities and intelligence and work ethic. I find myself jarred by the position I'm finding myself in, and the hole I'm going to eventually have to dig out of. Its easier to look down and just keep digging than to look up and see how deep I am into the ground. I actually flinch sometimes, thinking about it. I have a physical aversion to the thoughts. My neck spasms or my eye flicks itself halfway closed in defiance. Sometimes I don't check my e-mail because I'm afraid there will be responsibility and guilt lurking in my inbox.
I think about my friends. And how most of them are still in Vancouver, enjoying their old lives. How most of them will end up less than 10 miles from each other and less than three hours from home, should there be a breakdown. I could be on a deserted island for where I am. I miss some of them deeply. I get pangs of sadness that they will all be somewhere else together. Without me. Things are not exactly what I expected them to be. And its not that they're necessarily worse. But it doesn't stop me from being disappointed. I get afraid that I'm wasting my time and money and that I should just admit my limits and let go.
But then I think for a second and realize that isn't a real option. And I try to keep calm. And I try to smile. And I try to visualize. I'm scared. But I'm not leaving.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Day Eight - 08/27/09
I got to bed really late last night so this morning, when I had to wake up at 8 o'clock, I was quite unhappy. I went off to IML 140 which stands for Institute for Media Literacy. It was a really interesting class, only 9-10 people if that and we pretty much are determining our own syllabus. The teacher didn't make a syllabus because she wanted us to determine it for ourselves depending on what we wanted to study. This is both cool and a little shady. I don't know how cool this class will be, but we established that we want to do some production so at least I'll be able to shoot something this semester.
Off to philosophy where my professor babbled on about the Mesopotamians for an hour. Both of my philosophy courses are starting with science rather than philosophy because I guess ancient science was philosophy. I'm really hoping that we'll get into more discussion about topics later rather than history.
Had lunch with Katrina. It is so nice having her here. I was opposed to the thought of having someone from my high school come with me to college at first. But now I'm so glad she came. Any time either of us are feeling lonely (which happens about three times a day for each of us) we text each other and ask if we want to have lunch or hang out. She's such a great girl and her and I are very similar but still get along really well. Its nice having someone who knows me really well because no one else here does.
After lunch I headed over to Casper's class! Casper has a reputation on campus as one of the most eccentric and interesting professors to learn from. Once he learns your name, he never forgets it, or the first thing you said in his class. I was told to not even raise my hand unless I have complete certainty in the answer I was about to give.
He was given a full two minute introduction and then everyone applauded as he came down the steps to the front of the auditorium. He is probably 70 years old (at least the parts of him that aren't COMPLETELY plastic) but looks like he could be 45. He talks with a lion's roar of a voice and then switches, quite abruptly, to a light whisper. Its a performance. He has cues for video clips to be shown and all his TA's are pretty much his bitches. He has a powerful presence. He asked a question "Has anyone here heard of the play 'Our Town?'" A boy raised his had in the back of the class and Casper ran over to him. He had him stand up and asked him what the play was about. "um...well...there's a girl..." "EMILY...yes go on..." Casper interrupts. "And it's like..." "A woman is either pregnant or she's not! Nothing is like anything it IS something. What IS Our Town about?" "Well..." "OUT LOUD" "Its about this girl who dies and it shows..." "I'm not asking what it shows. I'm asking what its about. Lets go back to basics. What happens in the play!?" This goes on for a full four minutes. The poor kid, who either had no idea what he was talking about or was just so intimidated by the situation that his mind turned to mush, was eventually told that he and Casper were "obviously not talking about the same play." He was asked to sit down and everyone in the room became quite solemn and quiet. I've never been fully immobilized by a teacher's lectures and I've never been fully intimidated by anyone like I was today. It is going to be an interesting semester.
I was so tired after class (after a two hour lecture we had to watch "Singin' in the Rain" which was actually quite good surprisingly) that I went home (I love/hate that I'm starting to call my stale little half of a dorm room home) and slept for a good five hours. There were some frat events tonight for rush week that were tonight that I was really planning on going to but I guess my body thought sleep was more important. I woke up as Brett was going to sleep. I hope at some point he opens up and hangs with me, or at least hangs with someone. He goes to bed at midnight every night while everything is still going on. I hope that changes.
Off to philosophy where my professor babbled on about the Mesopotamians for an hour. Both of my philosophy courses are starting with science rather than philosophy because I guess ancient science was philosophy. I'm really hoping that we'll get into more discussion about topics later rather than history.
Had lunch with Katrina. It is so nice having her here. I was opposed to the thought of having someone from my high school come with me to college at first. But now I'm so glad she came. Any time either of us are feeling lonely (which happens about three times a day for each of us) we text each other and ask if we want to have lunch or hang out. She's such a great girl and her and I are very similar but still get along really well. Its nice having someone who knows me really well because no one else here does.
After lunch I headed over to Casper's class! Casper has a reputation on campus as one of the most eccentric and interesting professors to learn from. Once he learns your name, he never forgets it, or the first thing you said in his class. I was told to not even raise my hand unless I have complete certainty in the answer I was about to give.
He was given a full two minute introduction and then everyone applauded as he came down the steps to the front of the auditorium. He is probably 70 years old (at least the parts of him that aren't COMPLETELY plastic) but looks like he could be 45. He talks with a lion's roar of a voice and then switches, quite abruptly, to a light whisper. Its a performance. He has cues for video clips to be shown and all his TA's are pretty much his bitches. He has a powerful presence. He asked a question "Has anyone here heard of the play 'Our Town?'" A boy raised his had in the back of the class and Casper ran over to him. He had him stand up and asked him what the play was about. "um...well...there's a girl..." "EMILY...yes go on..." Casper interrupts. "And it's like..." "A woman is either pregnant or she's not! Nothing is like anything it IS something. What IS Our Town about?" "Well..." "OUT LOUD" "Its about this girl who dies and it shows..." "I'm not asking what it shows. I'm asking what its about. Lets go back to basics. What happens in the play!?" This goes on for a full four minutes. The poor kid, who either had no idea what he was talking about or was just so intimidated by the situation that his mind turned to mush, was eventually told that he and Casper were "obviously not talking about the same play." He was asked to sit down and everyone in the room became quite solemn and quiet. I've never been fully immobilized by a teacher's lectures and I've never been fully intimidated by anyone like I was today. It is going to be an interesting semester.
I was so tired after class (after a two hour lecture we had to watch "Singin' in the Rain" which was actually quite good surprisingly) that I went home (I love/hate that I'm starting to call my stale little half of a dorm room home) and slept for a good five hours. There were some frat events tonight for rush week that were tonight that I was really planning on going to but I guess my body thought sleep was more important. I woke up as Brett was going to sleep. I hope at some point he opens up and hangs with me, or at least hangs with someone. He goes to bed at midnight every night while everything is still going on. I hope that changes.
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