Last night I was thinking, as I was trying to interact with a group that I was with, about the fact that there are certain people that everyone wants to be around. There are two guys are my floor, and everyone loves them. Everyone wants to hang with them and be around them. The guys flirt with them to be friends with them in the same way the girls flirt to hook up with them. My RA is example. My friend Katrina is another. These are people who will always be more popular than I am. These are people who will always have people flocking to them to be their friend, their lover, their girlfriend or boyfriend. These are the top of the hierarchy. I've realized I've become one of the people who grovel and beg to be these person's friends. I found myself, last night, screaming to try and get the attention of these people. I literally had to yell their names to get them to look away from each other and over to me. I'm on a lower level in the social hierarchy and so, must beg to get their attention. This is at the same time that people lower on the food chain than me are begging for my attention. I've become a go-between for those people who are completely socially inept and have no strategies that work for them anymore. And its been like this since the beginning of school, I just hadn't noticed. I thought I was one of the higher-ups back home, but what I've come to realize is that I did all the same things back home that I do here. I brag to get attention. I tell fish stories to try and beef up anything I'm saying. I find little niches of information that I can plug into any conversation to pretend like I'm contributing. I will change my opinion of something to conform with a group. And I argue, which sometimes backfires. All of these are highly primitive social actions. They are the first kinds of social interaction we learn that give us positive responses. When we're eight years old we get attention using these techniques. We use them until we realize they aren't working anymore. And then some of us transcend them and develop the strategies and understanding of these top of the food chain people. These people get it. They understand social interaction on an intuitive level that I have yet to reach. I am constantly vying for their attention while they are constantly given it freely by those around them. Thats why I haven't been successful with finding a strong group of friends here. And thats why I have very few friendships with girls that could at some point develop into real relationships. I'm still stuck in my old socially inept ways.
I got through high school because Kirsten was one of these higher ups. People immediately love her and want to hang with her. Thats why she has done so well in her new environment, and why she will always do well socially for her whole life. We were constantly associated with each other so many of my friends were friends by proxy through her. Here, I come with no context. No associations. And no structure through which to weave my social web. I am weaponless against this enemy of loneliness.
Don't get me wrong. I have friends here. But I don't have one specific group that I can call my own. Or even one or two really strong friends. Which I know is probably too much to expect for being here for such a short time, but I at least want what I see most people around me having. I've realized, through my time here, that social interaction is what we all live for. That nothing is good or bad or really anything without it. Without people in your life, life is meaningless. So I'm done writing this, and I'm going to go out and give some meaning to my life. And maybe learn some things along the way. Wish me luck. Thank you for reading.
Cassidy
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A film, A midterm, and a realization
Hey everyone! If you're interested, some friends and I produced this last week:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxDTm62Cmb8
It's for a freshman film festival SCA is putting on for the first time this year called the Alfie's. Its supposed to be a two minute film about the first six weeks at USC. You might recognize the story if you've been reading the blog. Enjoy!
I can't take much credit for the film because honestly I wasn't there for most of production. I have yet to determine whose fault that was. Pretty much what happened was I was involved for the original brainstorm and then the follow up meeting. And beyond that point storyboarding was handled without my knowledge and shooting was scheduled without me. I ended up having class both shoot dates and they couldn't reschedule because that was the only time talent was available. I don't think this was on purpose or malicious in any way, but I couldn't help but feel a little pushed out by the other members. Anyway, I provided most of the original framework for the story and some finalizing with music and editing. Beyond that though, I had very little creative input in the process. I do hope you enjoy it though.
I just had my mid-term in Casper's Cinema course. Surprisingly it was not nearly as hard as I expected. I finished a few minutes early and felt I had answered most questions very thoroughly. We were given two hours to answer six of seven questions offered on the test, all essay format. I just hope my TA can read my scribble.
Something I realized in the run-up to this midterm, really the only one I cared about this semester, is my inability to really buckle down and study. Most of my friends are from production and so were taking this midterm as well. They started studying last week and really hadn't stopped until today at two when the test started. This inspired me to try to study as well and I realized I really can't. Being a fast learner like I am, I never read any text during high school. I also never studied for any tests (except maybe in Spanish which I was horrible at). What I did do was go to class every day and listen. I never took notes, but I paid attention. And that was usually enough to get me an A on the test. Or at least to get me by. The problem is that now, when I actually need to study and take notes and read the text, I don't have the good habits I'm finding most people around me have. I think my intelligence has been a major strength of mine growing up. However the problem with being smart is that you never have to work hard for what you achieve. So when it does comes time to work hard the people around you, who have been shitting themselves daily to attain what you did naturally, have the work ethic and the habits that allow them to succeed. This while you can only work for ten minutes without needing a break and fall asleep every time you try to read a textbook. I'm wondering how much longer my intelligence will serve me before it starts to hurt me. I think I did pretty well on this midterm, but who knows? What about the final? What about other classes where answers are in the reading that I haven't done? We'll see if my fast learning was an enabler or a detriment to me in the coming months.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxDTm62Cmb8
It's for a freshman film festival SCA is putting on for the first time this year called the Alfie's. Its supposed to be a two minute film about the first six weeks at USC. You might recognize the story if you've been reading the blog. Enjoy!
I can't take much credit for the film because honestly I wasn't there for most of production. I have yet to determine whose fault that was. Pretty much what happened was I was involved for the original brainstorm and then the follow up meeting. And beyond that point storyboarding was handled without my knowledge and shooting was scheduled without me. I ended up having class both shoot dates and they couldn't reschedule because that was the only time talent was available. I don't think this was on purpose or malicious in any way, but I couldn't help but feel a little pushed out by the other members. Anyway, I provided most of the original framework for the story and some finalizing with music and editing. Beyond that though, I had very little creative input in the process. I do hope you enjoy it though.
I just had my mid-term in Casper's Cinema course. Surprisingly it was not nearly as hard as I expected. I finished a few minutes early and felt I had answered most questions very thoroughly. We were given two hours to answer six of seven questions offered on the test, all essay format. I just hope my TA can read my scribble.
Something I realized in the run-up to this midterm, really the only one I cared about this semester, is my inability to really buckle down and study. Most of my friends are from production and so were taking this midterm as well. They started studying last week and really hadn't stopped until today at two when the test started. This inspired me to try to study as well and I realized I really can't. Being a fast learner like I am, I never read any text during high school. I also never studied for any tests (except maybe in Spanish which I was horrible at). What I did do was go to class every day and listen. I never took notes, but I paid attention. And that was usually enough to get me an A on the test. Or at least to get me by. The problem is that now, when I actually need to study and take notes and read the text, I don't have the good habits I'm finding most people around me have. I think my intelligence has been a major strength of mine growing up. However the problem with being smart is that you never have to work hard for what you achieve. So when it does comes time to work hard the people around you, who have been shitting themselves daily to attain what you did naturally, have the work ethic and the habits that allow them to succeed. This while you can only work for ten minutes without needing a break and fall asleep every time you try to read a textbook. I'm wondering how much longer my intelligence will serve me before it starts to hurt me. I think I did pretty well on this midterm, but who knows? What about the final? What about other classes where answers are in the reading that I haven't done? We'll see if my fast learning was an enabler or a detriment to me in the coming months.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
19 Years, 4 Buses and 1 Bright Blue Cupcake
I've started to hear that my friends here are starting to read the blog. So don't be surprised if there are less opinions and more statements of fact on here... ;)
So my birthday went like this...
After class I called up Katrina and we went to Chipotle. She bought me lunch (thank you Katrina!) and then I headed back to the dorm to figure out the whole bus thing.
I was taking two buses to Occidental to see Kirsten. We had planned to meet up for my birthday since before I left but (even on my birthday) she refused to come out to SC to see me. I understood. But this meant I needed four single dollars and four quarters to pay for the bus. The bus has zero change ever so unless I was going to pay 1.25 with a 20 I had to figure out a way to get change. I had to run to an ATM (of which there are a grand total of TWO on campus...wtf?) which is in the middle of campus (I'm on a far edge) and then back to one of the coffee bars on campus to get change. By this time I had missed my bus.
I went to the stop and felt surprisingly comfortable. There were almost exclusively minorities on the bus but I didn't feel unsafe at all. Actually, even being in the worst neighborhood in LA, I haven't once felt unsafe anywhere. Even at night off campus I feel like I'm in a safe place with enough people around. USC does a good job of making it clear that DPS (Department of Public Safety) is constantly patrolling and making sure students are safe. It might be because I've never really been in a position where I was in an unsafe place so I don't recognize the signs of it. I'm hoping not though.
Anyway I got on the bus and I was riding it for what seemed like WAY too long. I saw us leave Figueroa and I knew the stop I was on was Figueroa and 26th. I was thinking we would just be taking a quick detour and would be back on Figueroa pretty soon. Then we went on the freeway.
I wasn't afraid to ask the driver about my stop but it was just a little awkward. I mean, I was dressed pretty nice. White college kid with my iPod earphones in. Obviously I don't really fit in with the crowd I was currently surrounded by. I felt like it was my responsibility, if I was going to not belong as I much as I did, to at least not make any trouble or upset the established order. So instead I consoled myself and thought that maybe I hadn't passed my stop yet. I mean it was possible right? I started to get more and more worried the longer we stayed on the bus. I started to text friends to see if they were nearby a computer and could check whether I was getting closer or farther and farther from my destination.
I realized on the bus that I'm a bit of a chicken and it costs me sometimes. I always got frustrated with people back home who wouldn't speak up for themselves to get what they wanted. I never felt sorry for these people because it was their own fault that they couldn't just get the balls to talk to people and simply ask for help. Being in this new place I've started to realize that I've become a bit like that person. I get scared to inconvenience people and it doesn't serve me because I can't ask for what I want anymore. I think it rubbed off from years of being around Kirsten and her Midwest comportment. I used to be completely willing to inconvenience anyone as long as I got what I wanted. I need to find a balance between these two behaviors.
Anyway, we got off the freeway finally and there is my stop! Yay! I just needed to be patient and fight my gut instinct to get off the bus. When you don't know a situation very well, sometimes trusting your gut is a bad idea.
I made it to the Eagle Rock area and started to walk toward Occidental. I called Kirsten a few times and she wasn't answering. I kept walking and she finally picked up just as I was entering the campus. She asked me where I was and I told her I was on campus and she just about had a conniption. She kept telling me to get off campus and stay where I was and she would meet me. I didn't really understand why she didn't want me there so I decided instead to walk farther and deeper into campus to meet her. I'm like that, what can I say?
The campus is beautiful and very well designed. I was impressed. The buildings were huge and the architecture was really wonderful. I walked by a big parking lot of official vans and vehicles and they had as many as I can think of USC having. It was crazy.
I kept walking and saw this girl ahead of me wearing a backpack. I was pretty sure it was Kirsten but I wasn't a hundred percent. I yelled her name and she turned and it was her. She looked just as beautiful as I remembered but strangely different. She looked skinnier or more done up. Something.
We hugged and she wished me a happy birthday and we were both happy but uneasy about seeing each other. We were together for all of our adult lives and now, for the first time, we are seeing each other as friends. This is literally the first time in our lives we've been together as we are now. Its strange. Every time I saw her any other time I would give her kisses and tell her how beautiful she looked. I would put my arm around her or hold her hand and we would just walk, happy in each other's company. Now, to fill that void, we have to talk when we walk. We can't just walk together. We have to be doing something to distract ourselves from the fact that we aren't together. Not really.
Dinner was nice. She got me an Occidental shirt and a slinky because she broke mine the day I left for USC. We talked about how we were doing, what our new friends were like, what experiences we'd had. She knew I wasn't doing very well. She knew she was doing so much better than I was. She kept it to herself, which was merciful of her. She had a new boyfriend within a week of arriving in LA and a new strong group of friends too. She has a new best friend. I, still now almost three weeks after this, have no group to call my own. I don't really have anyone who calls me up any time they do anything or actively seeks me out to be a part of whatever they're doing. I don't have a best friend either. She doesn't know this. She thinks I'm doing really well now because that's what I'm trying to show her. I don't want to bring her down with my loneliness or make her feel guilty for enjoying herself. But any time I hear about something fun she's doing or has done or friends she has, I want to throw up. Its a jealousy I haven't felt for seven years and its back with a strength I never felt before in my life. I get so angry and depressed about what's going on and then talking to her only makes it worse.
Its strange, not having her to talk to about this. Anytime, for the past five years, that I needed someone to talk to, it was her. She always offered me what I needed and sometimes, if I couldn't take what I needed, what I wanted. She would give me sympathy or identify with my position. But the current predicament makes her off limits for this subject. So instead I have to pretend to be doing amazing and just take it when she says she's doing amazing too. Luckily she doesn't read this.
I tried to talk to her about her new boyfriend. About why she felt that was ok to be with someone else already. We were together for five years and it took her a little over a week to get over me and move on to someone else. At first I was really angry. After I realized that was getting me nowhere I tried to be supportive. Talking to her about it was hard for both of us but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. She couldn't offer me any sort of explanation for her behavior and I stopped trying after a few minutes. I still don't know why she did what she did or if it had anything to do with me at all. She told me that it was easy to fall out of love with me because of the way I had been in the relationship. She just focused on the bad things I did in order to move on and protect herself. I still haven't accepted it yet. I still haven't moved on. But maybe today's the day. And if its not, I know its in my future.
She bought me dinner and then she had to go. I realized I hadn't figured out the bus system for how to get home and asked her if I could go back to her room to look it up on her computer. She immediately had a strong aversion to the idea. She refused to let me come anywhere near her room. She had me call Katrina to get her to look up the bus schedule for me. We parted ways and as soon as she was out of sight I started crying.
I got to the bus stop and was waiting there for over 45 minutes and the bus never came. My phone was dead so I couldn't call anyone. I considered walking back to Oxy and trying to get into Kirsten's building to ask for help but I didn't think she wouldn't like that (but secretly I wanted it to come to that to force her hand). Instead I walked around until I got a free wireless network on my iPod. I put my status as "Help! I'm stuck at Occidental College! Someone comment a bus route back to SC!" Kirsten responded with the info that my bus was going to arrive in two minutes. I sprinted back to the stop and from that point, made it home no problem.
When I was finally back on campus in my room I got a text from a friend on the seventh floor of my building. She said she had something to give me and that I should come up when I had a minute. I went upstairs and she had bought me a birthday cupcake. It had a single candle and a few girls from the floor lit it and sang for me. You can have a guess as to what my wish was.
When I got back to my room I checked my facebook page and had probably 70 comments from people wishing me a happy birthday. It was a really strange birthday. Emotional, hard, scary, fun and eye-opening. I'm doing much better than I was back then but I'm still struggling to create the kind of circle of friends I had back home and creating the right environment for me to be happy all the time. I'm still fighting for my happiness, but I guess, so is everyone else.
I know there are some of you reading this that may not know me very well and now know way too much. I hope this posting wasn't too depressing or emotional for you. Thanks for reading.
Cassidy
So my birthday went like this...
After class I called up Katrina and we went to Chipotle. She bought me lunch (thank you Katrina!) and then I headed back to the dorm to figure out the whole bus thing.
I was taking two buses to Occidental to see Kirsten. We had planned to meet up for my birthday since before I left but (even on my birthday) she refused to come out to SC to see me. I understood. But this meant I needed four single dollars and four quarters to pay for the bus. The bus has zero change ever so unless I was going to pay 1.25 with a 20 I had to figure out a way to get change. I had to run to an ATM (of which there are a grand total of TWO on campus...wtf?) which is in the middle of campus (I'm on a far edge) and then back to one of the coffee bars on campus to get change. By this time I had missed my bus.
I went to the stop and felt surprisingly comfortable. There were almost exclusively minorities on the bus but I didn't feel unsafe at all. Actually, even being in the worst neighborhood in LA, I haven't once felt unsafe anywhere. Even at night off campus I feel like I'm in a safe place with enough people around. USC does a good job of making it clear that DPS (Department of Public Safety) is constantly patrolling and making sure students are safe. It might be because I've never really been in a position where I was in an unsafe place so I don't recognize the signs of it. I'm hoping not though.
Anyway I got on the bus and I was riding it for what seemed like WAY too long. I saw us leave Figueroa and I knew the stop I was on was Figueroa and 26th. I was thinking we would just be taking a quick detour and would be back on Figueroa pretty soon. Then we went on the freeway.
I wasn't afraid to ask the driver about my stop but it was just a little awkward. I mean, I was dressed pretty nice. White college kid with my iPod earphones in. Obviously I don't really fit in with the crowd I was currently surrounded by. I felt like it was my responsibility, if I was going to not belong as I much as I did, to at least not make any trouble or upset the established order. So instead I consoled myself and thought that maybe I hadn't passed my stop yet. I mean it was possible right? I started to get more and more worried the longer we stayed on the bus. I started to text friends to see if they were nearby a computer and could check whether I was getting closer or farther and farther from my destination.
I realized on the bus that I'm a bit of a chicken and it costs me sometimes. I always got frustrated with people back home who wouldn't speak up for themselves to get what they wanted. I never felt sorry for these people because it was their own fault that they couldn't just get the balls to talk to people and simply ask for help. Being in this new place I've started to realize that I've become a bit like that person. I get scared to inconvenience people and it doesn't serve me because I can't ask for what I want anymore. I think it rubbed off from years of being around Kirsten and her Midwest comportment. I used to be completely willing to inconvenience anyone as long as I got what I wanted. I need to find a balance between these two behaviors.
Anyway, we got off the freeway finally and there is my stop! Yay! I just needed to be patient and fight my gut instinct to get off the bus. When you don't know a situation very well, sometimes trusting your gut is a bad idea.
I made it to the Eagle Rock area and started to walk toward Occidental. I called Kirsten a few times and she wasn't answering. I kept walking and she finally picked up just as I was entering the campus. She asked me where I was and I told her I was on campus and she just about had a conniption. She kept telling me to get off campus and stay where I was and she would meet me. I didn't really understand why she didn't want me there so I decided instead to walk farther and deeper into campus to meet her. I'm like that, what can I say?
The campus is beautiful and very well designed. I was impressed. The buildings were huge and the architecture was really wonderful. I walked by a big parking lot of official vans and vehicles and they had as many as I can think of USC having. It was crazy.
I kept walking and saw this girl ahead of me wearing a backpack. I was pretty sure it was Kirsten but I wasn't a hundred percent. I yelled her name and she turned and it was her. She looked just as beautiful as I remembered but strangely different. She looked skinnier or more done up. Something.
We hugged and she wished me a happy birthday and we were both happy but uneasy about seeing each other. We were together for all of our adult lives and now, for the first time, we are seeing each other as friends. This is literally the first time in our lives we've been together as we are now. Its strange. Every time I saw her any other time I would give her kisses and tell her how beautiful she looked. I would put my arm around her or hold her hand and we would just walk, happy in each other's company. Now, to fill that void, we have to talk when we walk. We can't just walk together. We have to be doing something to distract ourselves from the fact that we aren't together. Not really.
Dinner was nice. She got me an Occidental shirt and a slinky because she broke mine the day I left for USC. We talked about how we were doing, what our new friends were like, what experiences we'd had. She knew I wasn't doing very well. She knew she was doing so much better than I was. She kept it to herself, which was merciful of her. She had a new boyfriend within a week of arriving in LA and a new strong group of friends too. She has a new best friend. I, still now almost three weeks after this, have no group to call my own. I don't really have anyone who calls me up any time they do anything or actively seeks me out to be a part of whatever they're doing. I don't have a best friend either. She doesn't know this. She thinks I'm doing really well now because that's what I'm trying to show her. I don't want to bring her down with my loneliness or make her feel guilty for enjoying herself. But any time I hear about something fun she's doing or has done or friends she has, I want to throw up. Its a jealousy I haven't felt for seven years and its back with a strength I never felt before in my life. I get so angry and depressed about what's going on and then talking to her only makes it worse.
Its strange, not having her to talk to about this. Anytime, for the past five years, that I needed someone to talk to, it was her. She always offered me what I needed and sometimes, if I couldn't take what I needed, what I wanted. She would give me sympathy or identify with my position. But the current predicament makes her off limits for this subject. So instead I have to pretend to be doing amazing and just take it when she says she's doing amazing too. Luckily she doesn't read this.
I tried to talk to her about her new boyfriend. About why she felt that was ok to be with someone else already. We were together for five years and it took her a little over a week to get over me and move on to someone else. At first I was really angry. After I realized that was getting me nowhere I tried to be supportive. Talking to her about it was hard for both of us but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. She couldn't offer me any sort of explanation for her behavior and I stopped trying after a few minutes. I still don't know why she did what she did or if it had anything to do with me at all. She told me that it was easy to fall out of love with me because of the way I had been in the relationship. She just focused on the bad things I did in order to move on and protect herself. I still haven't accepted it yet. I still haven't moved on. But maybe today's the day. And if its not, I know its in my future.
She bought me dinner and then she had to go. I realized I hadn't figured out the bus system for how to get home and asked her if I could go back to her room to look it up on her computer. She immediately had a strong aversion to the idea. She refused to let me come anywhere near her room. She had me call Katrina to get her to look up the bus schedule for me. We parted ways and as soon as she was out of sight I started crying.
I got to the bus stop and was waiting there for over 45 minutes and the bus never came. My phone was dead so I couldn't call anyone. I considered walking back to Oxy and trying to get into Kirsten's building to ask for help but I didn't think she wouldn't like that (but secretly I wanted it to come to that to force her hand). Instead I walked around until I got a free wireless network on my iPod. I put my status as "Help! I'm stuck at Occidental College! Someone comment a bus route back to SC!" Kirsten responded with the info that my bus was going to arrive in two minutes. I sprinted back to the stop and from that point, made it home no problem.
When I was finally back on campus in my room I got a text from a friend on the seventh floor of my building. She said she had something to give me and that I should come up when I had a minute. I went upstairs and she had bought me a birthday cupcake. It had a single candle and a few girls from the floor lit it and sang for me. You can have a guess as to what my wish was.
When I got back to my room I checked my facebook page and had probably 70 comments from people wishing me a happy birthday. It was a really strange birthday. Emotional, hard, scary, fun and eye-opening. I'm doing much better than I was back then but I'm still struggling to create the kind of circle of friends I had back home and creating the right environment for me to be happy all the time. I'm still fighting for my happiness, but I guess, so is everyone else.
I know there are some of you reading this that may not know me very well and now know way too much. I hope this posting wasn't too depressing or emotional for you. Thanks for reading.
Cassidy
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